TOS Favorite Lines Season one, part one by Suzanne
The Man Trap
Where No Man Has Gone Before
The Naked Time
The Enemy Within
What Are Little Girls Made Of?
Dagger Of The Mind
The Corbomite Maneuver
The Menagerie, part 1
The Menagerie, part 2
The Conscience of the King
PIKE: What the devil are you putting in there, ice?
BOYCE: Who wants a warm martini?
PIKE: What makes you think I need one?
BOYCE: Sometimes a man’ll tell his bartender things he’ll never tell his doctor.
COLT: But you wanted the reports by oh five hundred. It’s oh five hundred now, sir.
PIKE: Oh, I see. Thank you.
NUMBER ONE: She’s replacing your former yeoman, sir.
PIKE: She does a good job, all right. It’s just that I can’t get used to having a woman on the bridge. No offence, Lieutenant. You’re different, of course.
VINA: You’re no better choice. They’d have more luck crossing him with a computer.
NUMBER ONE: Well, shall we do a little time computation? There was a Vina listed on that expedition as an adult crewman. Now, adding eighteen years to your age then…
COLT: Sir, I was wondering. Just curious. Who would have been Eve?
NUMBER ONE: Yeoman! You’ve delivered your report.
COLT: Yes, ma’am. Yes, sir.
TYLER: Eve, sir? Yes, sir.
BOYCE: Eve as in Adam?
PIKE: As in all ship’s doctors are dirty old men. What are we running here, a cadet ship, Number One? Are we ready or not?
KIRK: Shall we pick some flowers, Doctor? When a man visits an old girlfriend she usually expects something like that.
MCCOY: Is that how you get girls to like you, by bribing them?
KIRK: Something wrong, Darnell?
DARNELL: Excuse me sir but, ma’am, if I didn’t know better I would swear you were someone I left behind on Wrigley’s Pleasure Planet. It’s funny, you’re exactly like a girl that
MCCOY: A little less mouth, Darnell.
DARNELL: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I mean, I know it’s impossible, of course.
KIRK: Why don’t you step outside, Darnell.
DARNELL: Yes, sir. Thank you, sir.
KIRK: Maybe I’ll step outside, too.
NANCY: What? And let Plum examine me all alone?
NANCY: A nickname I gave Leonard when we were very young.
MCCOY: I’m pleased you’re doing well but I’m required to confirm that fact.
CRATER: Doubtless the good surgeon will enjoy prodding and poking us with his arcane machinery. Go away, we don’t want you.
KIRK: Quote. All research personnel on alien planets are required to have their health certified by a starship surgeon at one year intervals. Like it or not, Professor, as commander of the starship, I’m required
CRATER: To show your gold braid to everyone. You love it, don’t you.
KIRK: He’s all yours, Plum. Doctor McCoy.
MCCOY: I’m not joking, Jim. She hasn’t aged a day. She doesn’t have a grey hair on her head.
KIRK: She’s got some grey, Bones. Excuse me, Professor, she’s a handsome woman, yes, but hardly twenty five.
MCCOY: Open your mouth.
CRATER: Why, I thought the machine
MCCOY: The machine is capable of almost anything but I’ll still put my trust in a healthy set of tonsils. Now, open your mouth.
SPOCK: Miss Uhura, your last sub-space log contained an error in the frequencies column.
UHURA: Mister Spock, sometimes I think if I hear that word frequency once more, I’ll cry.
UHURA: I was just trying to start a conversation.
SPOCK: Well, since it is illogical for a communications officer to resent the word frequency, I have no answer.
UHURA: No, you have an answer. I’m an illogical woman who’s beginning to feel too much a part of that communications console. Why don’t you tell me I’m an attractive young lady, or ask me if I’ve ever been in love? Tell me how your planet Vulcan looks on a lazy evening when the moon is full.
SPOCK: Vulcan has no moon, Miss Uhura.
UHURA: I’m not surprised, Mister Spock.
UHURA: I don’t believe it.
UHURA: You explain. That means that somebody is dead and you just sit there. It could be Captain Kirk. He’s the closest thing you have to a friend.
SPOCK: Lieutenant, my demonstration of concern will not change what happened. The transporter room is very well-manned and they will call if they need my assistance.
UHURA: Message, Captain. Starship base on Caran 4 requesting explanation of our delay here, sir. Space Commander Dominguez says we have supplies he urgently needs.
KIRK: Tell Jose he’ll get his chili peppers when we get there. Tell him they’re prime Mexican reds. I handpicked them myself, but he won’t die if he goes a few more days without them. Got it?
UHURA: Got it, Captain.
MCCOY: I thought it was, sir. Another error on my part.
KIRK: I’m not counting them, Bones. Are you in the mood for an apology?
MCCOY: Oh, forget it. I probably was mooning over her. I should have been thinking about my job.
CRATER: And your esteemed physician cannot explain our need for salt tablets?
KIRK: We’re all aware of the need for salt on a hot and arid planet like this, Professor, but it’s a mystery, and I don’t like mysteries. They give me a bellyache and I’ve got a beauty right now.
KIRK: We can’t search this whole planet on foot.
KIRK: You could learn something from Mister Spock, Doctor. Stop thinking with your glands. We’ve equipment aboard the Enterprise that could pinpoint a match lit anywhere on this planet, or the heat of a body. Transporter room, Kirk speaking. Three to beam up.
RAND: Why don’t you go chase an asteroid?
REDSHIRT: Hey, Janice, is that for me?
RAND: Don’t you wish it was?
BLUESHIRT: How about that?
REDSHIRT: Yeah, how’d you like to have her as your personal yeoman?
RAND: Where are you, Sulu?
SULU: In here feeding the weepers, Janice.
RAND: I’ve got your tray.
SULU: May the Great Bird of the Galaxy bless your planet.
RAND: Thank you. Hello, Beauregard. How are you today, darling?
SULU: Her name’s Gertrude.
RAND: No, it’s a he plant. A girl can tell.
SULU: Why do people have to call inanimate objects she, like she’s a fast ship.
RAND: He is not an inanimate object. He’s so animate he makes me nervous. In fact, I keep expecting one of these plants of yours to grab me.
SULU: Hello, Green.
RAND: He’s not talking today. You been nipping saurian brandy or something?
UHURA: Crewman, do I know you?
CREWMAN: In a way, ma’am. You were just thinking of someone like me. I’m guessing of course, but you do look a little lonely.
UHURA: I see. So naturally, when I’m lonely I think of you.
CREWMAN: Ina cuvanea mwanamke turee.
UHURA: Una kafeeri Hur. You’re Swahili?
KIRK: What’s the matter, can’t you sleep?
KIRK: Try taking one of those red pills you gave me last week. You’ll sleep.
MCCOY: The creature leading you a merry chase, Mister Sulu?
SULU: The creature?
MCCOY: Or whatever it is that’s killing the crewmen. Perhaps I can help. Fill me in.
KIRK: You bleed too much, Crater. You’re too pure and noble. Are you saving the last of its kind or has this become Crater’s private heaven, here on this planet? This thing becomes wife, lover, best friend, wise man, fool, idol, slave. It isn’t a bad life to have everyone in the universe at your beck and call, and you win all the arguments.
CRATER: You don’t understand.
KIRK: Dead. But it had you, too.
SPOCK: Fortunately, my ancestors spawned in another ocean than yours did. My blood cells are quite different.
KIRK: Move aside, Bones.
MCCOY: What’s going on here, Jim?
KIRK: She’s not Nancy, Bones.
MCCOY: Are you insane?
KIRK: Yeoman Rand, this is Charles Evans. Show him to his quarters and drop his records off at Doctor McCoy’s office, if you will.
RAND: Yes, sir. Come with me, please.
CHARLIE: Are you a girl? Is that a girl?
KIRK: That’s a girl.
CHARLIE: Some, the other ship, they didn’t like me. I tried. I’m trying to make people like me. I want them to like me.
MCCOY: Most seventeen year olds do.
CHARLIE: You got a deal, friend. (slaps her bottom)
CHARLIE: I thought. Don’t be angry. I didn’t, I wanted.
RAND: Charlie, you, you, you just don’t go around slapping girls on the… It’s okay, but, er, just don’t do it again.
CHARLIE: Don’t be angry.
RAND: Look, why don’t you tell Captain Kirk or Doctor McCoy what you did. They’ll explain it to you. Okay?
KIRK: Thank you. He’s working out a training programme for Charlie Evans. Earth history, his own background, that sort of thing. I’d like you to give him the necessary medical orientation on the problems of, um, er, adolescence.
MCCOY: Well, don’t you think it’d be better for a strong father image like you? He already looks up to you.
KIRK: The job is yours, Bones. Flattery will get you nowhere.
CHARLIE: Well, in the corridor I saw. When Janice, when Yeoman Rand was… (slaps Kirk’s bottom) I did that to her. She didn’t like it. She said you’d explain it to me.
KIRK: Me. I see. Well, um, er, there are things you can do with a lady, er, Charlie, that you er. There’s no right way to hit a woman. I mean, man to man is one thing, but, er, man and woman, er, it’s, er, it’s, er. Well it’s, er, another thing. Do you understand?
CHARLIE: I don’t know.
CHARLIE: Can I talk to you, alone.
RAND: Charlie, Tina’s–
TINA: Excuse me. I must be wanted somewhere.
RAND: That was, that was rude and completely uncalled-for.
KIRK: Charlie, there are a million things in this universe you can have and there are a million things you can’t have. It’s no fun facing that, but that’s the way things are.
CHARLIE: Then what am I going to do?
KIRK: Hang on tight and survive. Everybody does.
KIRK: Go to your quarters.
CHARLIE: He was going to hurt me.
KIRK: Go to your quarters or I’ll pick you up and carry you there.
CHARLIE: Well, they weren’t nice to me! They wanted to get rid of me. They don’t now.
KIRK: What about us, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I don’t know.
SPOCK: We’re in the hands of an adolescent.
KIRK: Mister Spock, you getting any readings on your instruments?
SPOCK: Yes, sir. There’s a Tyger, tyger, burning bright in the forest of the night.
KIRK: Mister Spock.
SPOCK: I’m trying to Saturn rings around my head, down a road that’s Martian red.
SPOCK: Once upon a midnight dreary while I pondered, weak and weary.
CHARLIE: Very nice, Mister Ears. Oh, I can make him do anything, whirl around, laugh, anything.
KIRK: That’s enough, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Don’t you think he’s funny? I think he’s funny.
KIRK: Are you creating that message, Charlie, or you’re blocking one that’s coming in.
CHARLIE: It’s my game, Captain. You have to find out. Like you said, that’s how the game’s played.
CHARLIE: I can make you all go away anytime I want to.
KIRK: Get out of my chair, Charlie, and get out of it now.
CHARLIE: I’ve got your ship, Captain.
CHARLIE: I won’t do it again. Please, I’ll be good. I won’t ever do it again. I’m sorry about the Antares. I’m sorry! When I came aboard–! Please, I want to go with you. Help me!
KIRK: The boy belongs with his own kind.
KIRK: Have I ever mentioned you play a very irritating game of chess, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Irritating? Ah, yes. One of your Earth emotions.
KIRK: Certain you don’t know what irritation is?
SPOCK: The fact one of my ancestors married a human female
KIRK: Terrible having bad blood like that.
DEHNER: lf there was an emergency, I’d be interested in how that crew reacted, too.
MITCHELL: Improving the breed, Doctor? Is that your line?
DEHNER: I heard that’s more your specialty, Commander, line included.
MITCHELL: Walking freezer unit.
KIRK: I’ve been worried about you ever since that night on Deneb IV.
MITCHELL: Yeah, she was nova, that one. Not nearly as many after-effects this time, except for the eyes. They kind of stare back at me when I’m shaving.
MITCHELL: Well, I’m getting a chance to read some of that longhair stuff you like. Hey man, I remember you back at the Academy. A stack of books with legs. The first thing I ever heard from an upperclassman was, watch out for Lieutenant Kirk. In his class, you either think or sink.
KIRK: I wasn’t that bad, was I?
MITCHELL: If I hadn’t aimed that little blonde lab technician at you…
KIRK: You what? You planned that?
MITCHELL: Well, you wanted me to think, didn’t you? I outlined her whole campaign for her.
KIRK: I almost married her!
KIRK: I’m going to ask Doctor Dehner to keep you under observation for a while.
MITCHELL: With almost a hundred women on board, you can do better than that, friend Captain.
KIRK: Consider it a challenge.
MITCHELL: I’ve got nothing against you, Doctor.
DEHNER: Nor against the walking freezer unit?
MITCHELL: Well, I… sorry about that.
SPOCK: Our subject is not Gary Mitchell. Our concern is, rather, what he is mutating into.
DEHNER: I know those from your planet aren’t suppose to have feelings like we do, Mister Spock, but to talk that way about a man you’ve worked next to for years is worse than
KIRK: That’s enough, Doctor.
DEHNER: I don’t think so. I understand you least of all. Gary told me that you’ve been friends since he joined the service, that you asked for him aboard your first command.
SPOCK: We’ll never reach an Earth base with him aboard, Jim. You heard the mathematics of it. In a month he’ll have as much in common with us as we’d have with a ship full of white mice.
KIRK: I need a recommendation, Spock, not vague warnings.
SPOCK: Recommendation one. There’s a planet a few light days away from here. Delta Vega. It has a lithium cracking station. We may be able to adapt some of its power packs to our engines.
SPOCK: It is your only other choice, assuming you make it while you still have time.
KIRK: Will you try for one moment to feel? At least act like you’ve got a heart. We’re talking about Gary.
MITCHELL: My friend James Kirk. remember those rodent things on Dimorus? The poisoned darts they threw? I took one meant for you.
KIRK: And almost died. I remember.
MITCHELL: So why be afraid of me now?
KIRK: You’ve been testing your ability to take over the Enterprise. In the transporter room, you said something about us seeming like insects by comparison, squashing us if we got in your way.
KIRK: Doctor Dehner feels he isn’t that dangerous. What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?
SPOCK: Because she feels. I don’t. All I know is logic. In my opinion we’ll be lucky if we can repair this ship and get away in time.
MITCHELL: A visitor. A very foolish man. You’ll enjoy being a god, Elizabeth. Blasphemy? No. Let there be food. Kaferian apples. Whenever we visited that planet, I always favoured these. Can you hear me, James? You cannot see me. I’m not there. You follow the right path, James. You’ll come to me soon.
DEHNER: I can see him in my mind, too.
KIRK: Did you hear him joke about compassion? Above all else, a god needs compassion. Mitchell! Elizabeth.
DEHNER: What do you know about gods?
KIRK: Then let’s talk about humans, about our frailties. As powerful as he gets, he’ll have all that inside him.
SPOCK: I felt for him, too.
KIRK: I believe there’s some hope for you after all, Mister Spock.
MCCOY: You’re fine, Joe. Up and out of there. Mister Spock? Your pulse is two hundred and forty two, your blood pressure is practically nonexistent, assuming you call that green stuff in your veins blood.
SPOCK: The readings are perfectly normal for me, Doctor, thank you, and as for my anatomy being different from yours, I am delighted. Captain.
SULU: Foil. It’s a rapier. A thin sword.
RILEY: All right. So what do you do with it?
SULU: What do you mean, what do you do with it?
RILEY: Self-defence? Mayhem? Shish kebab?
SULU: You practice.
RILEY: For what?
SULU: Hi, Joey.
RILEY: Last week it was botany he was trying to get me interested in. I was supposed to be collecting leaves, plant specimens.
SULU: Your attitude is all wrong. Fencing tones the muscle, sharpens the eye, improves the posture. You tell him, Joey. Explain to him. Hey, Joey. You feeling all right?
TORMOLEN: Get off me! You don’t rank me and you don’t have pointed ears, so just get off my neck!
SULU: Don’t know if it’s this planet or what happened with Joe. I’m sweating like a bridegroom.
RILEY: Yeah, me too.
SULU: Hey, why don’t you come down to the gym with me, Kevin m’lad?
SULU: Why not? Light workout will take the edge off.
RILEY: Sulu, what about. Hey, Sulu, don’t be a fool!
SPOCK: You haven’t answered my question. Where is Mister Sulu?
RILEY: Have no fear, O’Riley’s here. One Irishman is worth ten thousand of you
SPOCK: You’re relieved, Mister Riley. Lieutenant Uhura, take over this station.
UHURA: Yes, sir.
RILEY: Now that’s what I like. Let the women work too. Universal suffrage.
SPOCK: Report to Sickbay, Mister Riley.
RILEY: Sickbay? Exactly where I was heading, sir.
RILEY: You know something? You have such lovely eyes, pretty lady. (touches her face)
CHAPEL: I know he was a friend of yours. This must be a terrible shock.
RILEY: You know what Joe’s mistake was? He wasn’t born an Irishman.
UHURA: Sir, level two, corridor three reports a disturbance. Mister Sulu chasing crewmen with a sword.
KIRK: Mister Scott, acknowledge. Our controls are dead. Take her.
SULU: Richelieu, at last.
KIRK: Sulu, put that (discovers that the point is sharp) put that thing away.
SULU: For honour, Queen, and France! (lunges)
UHURA: Sulu, give me that.
SULU: I’ll protect you, fair maiden.
UHURA: Sorry, neither.
SULU: Foul Richelieu. (distracted by Uhura’s escape, Kirk is able to grab Sulu and Spock does a neck-pinch)
KIRK: I’d like you to teach me that sometime.
SPOCK: Take D’Artagnon here to Sickbay.
RILEY: You rang, sir?
KIRK: Who’s this?
RILEY: This is Captain Kevin Thomas Riley of the starship Enterprise. And who is this?
KIRK: This is Captain Kirk. Get out of the engine room, navigator. Where’s Mister Scott?
RILEY: I’ve relieved Mister Scott of his duties. Now, attention, cooks. This is your captain speaking. I would like double portions of ice cream for the entire crew.
KIRK: Clear that tube, will you?
UHURA: Yes, sir.
RILEY: And now, your captain will render an ancient Irish favourite. (sings) I’ll take you home again Kathleen
SPOCK: Captain. At our present rate of descent, we have less than twenty minutes before we enter planet atmosphere.
KIRK: And burn up. I know, Mister Spock.
RILEY: Wild and wide to where your heart…
RILEY: Lieutenant Uhura and you interrupted my song. I’m sorry, but there’ll be no ice cream for you tonight.
KIRK: Cut him off.
UHURA: I can’t, sir. There’s no way to do it.
RILEY: Attention, crew. This is Captain Riley. There will be a formal dance in the bowling alley at nineteen hundred hours tonight.
RILEY: This is Captain Riley. Crew, I have some additional orders. In the future, all female crew members will wear their hair loosely, about their shoulders. And use restraint in putting on your makeup. Women, women should not look made up. And now, crew, I will render Kathleen one more time!
KIRK: Please, not again.
RILEY: (singing) I’ll take you home again, Kathleen (meanwhile, Scott is working in a Jefferies tube) I’ve watched them fade away and die.
SCOTT: I’ve set the jumpers up there. Stand by ’til I give you a signal.
RILEY: And tears bedim your loving eyes. Oh, I will take you home Kathleen.
RAND: I would have gotten here sooner, sir but Crewman Moody stopped me in the hallway.
KIRK: Take the helm.
KIRK: Take the helm!
RAND: Yes, sir.
RILEY: Kathleen. And now, crew, one more time!
KIRK: At least try cutting him off!
UHURA: Sir, if I could cut him off, don’t you think I–
RILEY: I’ll take you home again Kathleen
UHURA: Yes, sir. I’ll keep trying.
RILEY: Across the ocean wild and wide…
KIRK: Where have you been? What happened?
SPOCK: My mother. I could never tell her I loved her.
KIRK: We’ve got four minutes, maybe five.
SPOCK: An Earth woman, living on a planet where love, emotion, is bad taste.
KIRK: We’ve got to risk a full-power start. The engines were shut off. No time to regenerate them. Do you hear me? We’ve got to risk a full-power start!
SPOCK: I respected my father, our customs. I was ashamed of my Earth blood. (Kirk slaps him) Jim, when I feel friendship for you, I’m ashamed.
KIRK: (hitting him repeatedly) You’ve got to hear me! We need a formula. We’ve got to risk implosion!
SPOCK: t’s never been done! Understand, Jim. I’ve spent a whole lifetime learning to hide my feelings. (finally hits Kirk back)
KIRK: We’ve got to risk implosion. It’s our only chance.
SPOCK: It’s never been done.
KIRK: I’ve got it, the disease. Love. You’re better off without it, and I’m better off without mine. This vessel, I give, she takes. She won’t permit me my life. I’ve got to live hers.
KIRK: I have a beautiful yeoman. Have you noticed her, Mister Spock? You’re allowed to notice her. The Captain’s not permitted
SPOCK: Jim, there is an intermix formula.
KIRK: Now I know why it’s called she…
SPOCK: It’s never been tested. It’s a theoretical relationship between time and antimatter.
KIRK: Flesh woman to touch, to hold. A beach to walk on. A few days, no braid on my shoulder.
KIRK: Scotty, help.
KIRK: The time warp. What did it do to us?
SPOCK: We’ve regressed in time seventy one hours. It is now three days ago, Captain. We have three days to live over again.
KIRK: Not those last three days.
KIRK: Yeah. At night it gets down to a hundred and twenty degrees below zero.
SULU: That’s nippy.
SCOTT: It might profit you to let Doctor McCoy give you the once-over.
KIRK: All right, Engineer, I’ll have my engines looked to.
MCCOY: You picked a good day, Fisher. Business has been lousy. What’d you do, take a fall on purpose so you could get a little vacation?
KIRK: Saurian brandy.
MCCOY: Back to duty status, Fisher. I have no sympathy for clumsiness.
SPOCK: Well, Doctor McCoy seemed to think I should check on you.
KIRK: That’s nice. Come on, Spock, I know that look. What is it?
SPOCK: Well, our good doctor said that you were acting like a wild man, demanded brandy.
KIRK: Our good doctor’s been putting you on again.
SPOCK: Hmm. Well, in that case, if you’ll excuse the intrusion Captain, I’ll get back to my work.
KIRK: I’ll tell him you were properly annoyed.
RAND: Oh! Captain, you startled me. Is there something that you? Can I help you, Captain?
KIRK: Jim will do here, Janice.
KIRK: You’re too beautiful to ignore. Too much woman. We’ve both been pretending too long. (grabs her) Stop pretending. Let’s stop pretending. Come here, Janice. Don’t fight me. Don’t fight me, Janice. (kisses her)
KIRK: Just a minute, Janice. Just a minute!
KIRK: How’s it going down there, Mister Sulu?
SULU: It’s already twenty degrees below zero. Can’t exactly call it balmy.
SPOCK: If your power of command continues to weaken, you’ll soon be unable to function as Captain. You must be prepared for that.
MCCOY: You have your intellect, Jim. You can fight with that!
KIRK: For how long?
SPOCK: If I seem insensitive to what you’re going through, Captain, understand it’s the way I am.
KIRK: We’ve located the trouble. It shouldn’t be much longer.
SULU: Do you think you might be able to find a long rope somewhere and lower us down a pot of hot coffee?
KIRK: I’ll see what we can do.
SULU: Rice wine will do, if you’re short on coffee.
SULU: (using phaser to heat rocks) I think we ought to give room service another call. That coffee’s taking too long. Enterprise, this is Sulu.
KIRK: Kirk here, Mister Sulu.
SULU: Hot line direct to the Captain. Are we that far gone?
KIRK: I gave everybody the afternoon off. I’m watching the store. How is it down there?
SULU: Oh, lovely, except that the frost is building up. We’re using hand phasers to heat the rocks. One phaser quit on us, three still operating. Any possibility of getting us back aboard before the skiing season opens down here?
SPOCK: This is Spock, Mister Sulu. You’ll have to hold on a little longer. There’s no other way. Survival procedures, Mister Sulu.
SULU: Per your training program, Mister Spock.
KIRK: I have to take him back inside myself. I can’t survive without him. I don’t want him back. He’s like an animal, a thoughtless, brutal animal, and yet it’s me. Me.
MCCOY: Jim, you’re no different than anyone else. We all have our darker side. We need it! It’s half of what we are. It’s not really ugly, it’s human.
MCCOY: Yes, human. A lot of what he is makes you the man you are. God forbid I should have to agree with Spock, but he was right. Without the negative side, you wouldn’t be the Captain. You couldn’t be, and you know it. Your strength of command lies mostly in him.
KIRK: What do I have?
MCCOY: You have the goodness.
KIRK: Not enough. I have a ship to command.
MCCOY: The intelligence, the logic. It appears your half has most of that, and perhaps that’s where man’s essential courage comes from. For you see, he was afraid and you weren’t.
SPOCK: The shock of putting him back together seems to have been too much for him.
MCCOY: He’s dead, Jim.
RAND: Captain? The impostor told me what happened, who he really was, and I’d just like to say that. Well, sir, what I’d like is..
KIRK: Thank you, Yeoman.
SPOCK: The, er, impostor had some interesting qualities, wouldn’t you say, Yeoman?
MUDD: Meaning no ingratitude, gentlemen, but just where is it I find meself?
MCCOY: You’re aboard the U.S.S. Enterprise.
MUDD: It’s really a darn beautiful ship, isn’t it? Really a beautiful ship. Oh, the name, gentlemen, is Walsh, Captain Leo Walsh.
KIRK: If that captain can walk, I want him in my cabin immediately. Correction, I want him there whether he can walk or not. Kirk out.
MUDD: That fellow sounded a mite upset, didn’t he?
MCCOY: Yes. Yes, they are.
MUDD: Ah, sure, these starships are really something marvellous, but men will always be men no matter where they are. Eh, mister? You’ll never take that out of them.
SPOCK: Deck twelve.
MUDD: You’re part Vulcanian, aren’t you. Ah well then, a pretty face doesn’t affect you at all, does it. That is, unless you want it to. You can save it, girls. This type can turn himself off from any emotion.
EVE: I apologise for what he said, sir. He’s used to buying and selling people.
MUDD: I’ll handle the conversation, darling.
MUDD: You’re a hard-nosed one, Captain.
KIRK: And you’re a liar, Mister Walsh. I think we both understand each other.
SULU: You’re on duty, Johnny-o. Back to reality.
FARRELL: You can feel their eyes when they look at you, like something grabbing hold of you. Did you notice that?
SULU: I noticed. How I noticed. Come on, Johnny.
SPOCK: State your name for the record.
MUDD: Leo Francis Walsh.
SPOCK: Your correct name.
MUDD: Gentlemen, surely you’re not going to take the word of a soulless mechanical device over that of a real flesh and blood man.
SPOCK: State your correct name for the record.
MUDD: Harry Mudd.
MUDD: Harcourt Fenton Mudd.
SPOCK: Any past offenses, Mister Mudd?
MUDD: Of course not. Gentlemen, I’m simply an honest businessman.
MUDD: Blast that tin-plated pot.
KIRK: Destination and purpose of journey?
MUDD: Planet Ophiuchus 3. Wiving settlers.
KIRK: Come again, Mister Mudd. You do what?
MUDD: I recruit wives for settlers, a difficult but satisfying task.
MUDD: Oh, you beautiful galaxy! Oh, that heavenly universe! Well, girls, lithium miners. Don’t you understand? Lonely, isolated, overworked, rich lithium miners! Girls, do you still want husbands, hmm? Evie, you won’t be satisfied with a mere ship’s captain. I’ll get you a man who can buy you a whole planet. Maggie, you’re going to be a countess. Ruth, I’ll make you a duchess. And I, I’ll be running this starship. Captain James Kirk, the next orders you’re taking will be given by Harcourt Fenton Mudd!
KIRK: Well, come on, you’re the doctor. What is it? Is it that we’re tired, and they’re beautiful? They are incredibly beautiful.
MCCOY: Are they, Jim? Are they actually more lovely, pound for pound, measurement for measurement, than any other women you’ve known? Or is it that they just, well, act beautiful. No. Strike that, strike that.
KIRK: What are they?
MCCOY: You mean are they alien illusions? That sort of thing?
KIRK: I asked you first.
MCCOY: No, an alien smart enough to pull this could also keep my medical scanner from going beep!
KIRK: I don’t follow you.
MCCOY: I don’t either.
KIRK: Have Mudd meet me in the transporter room.
KIRK: The name of this game.
EVE: I ate some of your food, so I paid with some chores.
CHILDRESS: And I do my own cooking. I’ve not laid a hand on you. Remember that.
EVE: Oh, the sound of male ego. You travel halfway across the galaxy, and it’s still the same song. There. You going to eat or talk?
CHILDRESS: I guess I’m supposed to sit, taste, and roll my eyes. Ooh, female cooking again. I’ve tasted better, by my own hand.
EVE: Well you’re tasting some of it now. I couldn’t scrape three layers of your leavings out of that pan.
MUDD: Don’t you think you could possibly, by accident, arrange to leave me behind here? On this planet that would be punishment enough.
KIRK: I can’t do that, Harry, but I will appear as a character witness at your trial. If you think that’ll help.
MUDD: They’ll throw away the key.
MCCOY: That must have been quite a talk you made down there. Ever try considering the patent medicine business?
KIRK: Why should I work your side of the street?
SPOCK: I’m happy the affair is over. A most annoying emotional episode.
MCCOY: Smack right in the old heart. Oh, I’m sorry. In your case, it would be about here.
SPOCK: The fact that my internal arrangement differs from yours, Doctor, pleases me no end.
SPOCK: That’s an unusual request.
KIRK: The man making it is Doctor Roger Korby.
SPOCK: You’re certain you recognise his voice?
CHAPEL: Have you ever been engaged, Mister Spock? Yes, it’s Roger.
CHAPEL: Brownie, what is it?
CHAPEL: Don’t you recognise me?
BROWN: Christine. You look well. My name is Brown, Doctor Korby’s assistant. I presume you are Captain Kirk. He’s dead, I assure you. Come, Doctor Korby will be waiting.
KIRK: You do know him well? An old friend?
CHAPEL: I suppose living here for five years…
ANDREA: I do not understand. Why are you unhappy? You are with Roger again.
CHAPEL: Where is Captain Kirk?
ANDREA: You are concerned about the captain?
CHAPEL: Yes, I am concerned.
ANDREA: How can you love Roger without trusting him? Why does it bother you when I use the name Roger?
KORBY: Andrea, it’s sufficient that it does disturb her. You will call me Doctor Korby from now on, Andrea.
ANDREA: Yes, Doctor Korby.
CHAPEL: Yes, let’s start with Andrea.
ANDREA: I’m like Doctor Brown, an android. Didn’t you know?
KORBY: Remarkable, isn’t she? Notice the the lifelike pigmentation, the variation in skin tones. The flesh, the flesh has warmth. There’s even a pulse, physical sensation.
CHAPEL: How convenient.
KORBY: Christine, you must realise an android’s like a computer. It does only what I programme. As a trained scientist yourself, you must realise that
CHAPEL: Given a mechanical Doctor Brown, a mechanical geisha would be no more difficult.
KORBY: You think I could love a machine?
CHAPEL: Did you?
KORBY: Andrea’s incapable of that. She simply obeys orders. She has no meaning for me. There’s no emotional bond. Andrea, kiss Captain Kirk. Now strike him. You see? There’s no emotion in it, no emotional involvement. She simply responds to orders. She’s a totally logical computer. A thing is not a woman. Now do you understand?
KIRK: If these mechanical things have no feelings and perform only as you programme them, then why did Brown try to shoot me? Why did he kill two of my men? There are many things I don’t understand, Doctor.
KORBY: I will answer all of your questions now.
KORBY: Synthetic organs are in place. We merely synchronise them with Kirk’s autonomic nervous system, duplicating the rhythms of his body. At the same time, we duplicate the mental pattern. Now, physical pattern complete, we now make a mental pattern. Ready for final synaptic fusion. Andrea, stand by for cortex circuits. The android will be so perfect It could even replace the captain. The same memories, the same attitudes, the same abilities. Activate circuits.
KIRK: Mind your own business, Mister Spock. I’m sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear? Mind your own business, Mister Spock. I’m sick of your half-breed (passes out, the other one wakes up)
KORBY: Totally unimportant ones. You may leave now. (Kirk2 leaves) You haven’t guessed the rest? Not even you, Christine? What you saw was only a machine, Only half of what I could’ve accomplished, Do you understand? By continuing the process I could’ve transferred you, your very consciousness into that android. Your soul, if you wish. All of you. In android form, a human being can have practical immortality. Can you understand what I’m offering mankind?
KIRK: Programming. Different word, but the same old promises made by Genghis Khan, Julius Caesar, Hitler, Ferris, Maltuvis.
KORBY: Can you understand that a human converted to an android can be programmed for the better? Can you imagine how life could be improved if we could do away with jealousy, greed, hate?
KIRK: It can also be improved by eliminating love, tenderness, sentiment. The other side of the coin, Doctor.
KORBY: No one need ever die again. No disease, no deformities. why even fear can be programmed away, replaced with joy. I’m offering you a pracical heaven, a new paradise, and all I need is your help.
SPOCK: Captain, We finished ahead of schedule.
KIRK2: Doctor Korby has considerable cargo to beam aboard. I’ll have to go over our destination schedule with him.
SPOCK: You’re going back down with the command pack?
KIRK2: Mind your own business, Mister Spock. I’m sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear?
SPOCK: Yes. very well, Captain.
KIRK2: You look upset, Mister Spock. Is everything all right up here?
SPOCK: No problems here, sir.
KIRK: Something bothering you, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: Frankly, I was rather dismayed by your use of the term half-breed, Captain. You must admit it is an unsophisticated expression.
KIRK: I’ll remember that Mister Spock, the next time I find myself in a similar situation. Steady as we go, helm.
MIRI: You got a foolie, is that it, and you want me to play, but I can’t. I don’t know the rules. I’ve got to know the rules.
MIRI: A game, you know. You can’t play a game without rules. Even Grups ought to know that.
KIRK: What are Grups?
MIRI: You are. They will, when Onlies get old.
KIRK: There must be records somewhere and answers to some of our questions. Miri, do you know any buildings where the doctors used to work?
MIRI: Yes, I know that. Them and their pills and things.
KIRK: Will you take me there?
MIRI: That’s a bad place.
KIRK: It’s important. Please.
MIRI: All right. Do you have a name, too?
KIRK: Yes. It’s Jim.
MIRI: I like that name.
KIRK: Good. I like yours, too. I like you.
MIRI: Do you really?
KIRK: I wouldn’t lie to you.
MIRI: I wouldn’t lie to you, either, Jim. I remember the Grups, but you’re nice. You’re different.
KIRK: Why, thank you.
KIRK: Bones, why do you think the symptoms haven’t appeared in Mister Spock?
MCCOY: I don’t know. Probably the little bugs or whatever they are have no appetite for green blood.
SPOCK: Being a red-blooded human obviously has its disadvantages.
SPOCK: Progress report, genetics section, Life Prolongation Project.
RAND: So that’s what it was.
MCCOY: Life prolongation. Didn’t have much luck, did they?
RAND: One thing, Captain. If she were a wild animal ever since she’s been a little girl, how do you explain that she wants to stay with us?
KIRK: Loneliness? I don’t know, curiosity? I think children have an instinctive need for adults. They want to be told right and wrong.
SPOCK: There may be other emotions at work in this case, Captain.
MCCOY: She likes you, Jim.
SPOCK: She’s becoming a woman.
KIRK: I’m going to try. Miri? Come here. You want to go someplace with me?
RAND: That little girl…
SPOCK: Is at least three hundred years older than you are, Yeoman. Think about it.
MCCOY: What about us?
SPOCK: The older the victim, the more rapid the progress of the disease.
KIRK: And you? The disease doesn’t seem to be interested in you.
SPOCK: I am a carrier. Whatever happens, I can’t go back to the ship, and I do want to go back to the ship, Captain.
JAHN: That would be some foolie, Miri, but do you think it would work?
MIRI: I know. I know. Don’t you think I’ve heard them talk? They have such little time to do this dumb thing of theirs, this buttinsky thing. If we get her away. that Yeoman, that’s one person less to start off with.
MASKED BOY: But how, Miri? If they’re so busy, if they’re going to have the big emergency, how are you going to get her away?
MIRI: It’s easy. She’s always asking me about the youngest little Onlies, little ones. What if they get sick, who takes care of them? Do they have enough to eat? Where do they sleep? I’ll just tell her one of you fell down and got hurt.
RED HEAD BOY: Me. Say it’s me.
MIRI: All right, you.
JAHN: But Grups, they know things and all that. You know, I bet they’ll be able to do it with one person less.
MIRI: Not one, two. Because he’ll try to find her.
RED HEAD BOY: Who? Who will, Miri?
MIRI: The Captain. He’ll try to find her, but he won’t. Mister Lovey-dovey.
RED HEAD BOY: Lovey-dovey. Bonk bonk on the head. Bonk bonk! bonk bonk!
CHILDREN: Bonk bonk! Bonk bonk!
RED HEAD BOY: Blah, blah, blah!
JAHN: No, you got the wrong game. A teacher, I told you. Now, what does a teacher say, huh?
RED HEAD BOY: Yeah. Study, study, study, or bonk bonk, bad kid. (children all applaud)
RAND: It’s not funny.
JAHN: It’s a foolie.
JAHN: You listen, Miri.
MIRI: I did. Why do you think I brought him here? Tell them, Jim.
JAHN: Tell’em, Jim. Tell’em, Jim.
CHILDREN: Tell’em, Jim! Tell’em, Jim! Tell’em, Jim! Tell’em, Jim!
KIRK: Listen to me. Listen to me!
JAHN: No yelling in the classroom! Look at him, a very bad citizen.
KIRK: This isn’t a game. It never was a game.
BLONDE GIRL: Call the police!
RED HEAD BOY: I’m the police. Bonk bonk unless you’re good.
JAHN: You’re the teacher.
RED HEAD BOY: I got two jobs. Bonk bonk!
CHILDREN: Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah! Blah blah blah!
CHILDREN: (approaching menacingly) Nyah na nyah, nyah na nyah, nyah na nyah, nyah na nyah.
KIRK: You’ve seen your friends change one by one as they grew up. Did you ever see one of them not change? One by one, they got the disease, and they became like, Iike those creatures you’re afraid of, like Louise. One by one they changed and got the disease. The disease like I’ve got, like Miri has. You understand what I’m talking about. You’re not babies. We can help you!
RED HEAD BOY: Naughty Grup. (starts hitting Kirk) Bonk bonk! Bonk bonk!
MIRI: No, please. No! (the other children join in as the little blonde girl watches, smiling)
KIRK: (bleeding) It’s waiting for you. It may only be a matter of months.
MIRI: Listen to him. He’s telling the truth.
JAHN: He’s funny. He thinks he’s funny.
RED HEAD BOY: Bonk bonk! Get him!
KIRK: Look at my arms! That’s what’s going to happen to you unless you let me help you.
RED HEAD BOY: Bonk bonk! Hit him!
KIRK: And the little ones. What’s going to happen to them after you’ve gone, after you’ve turned into creatures like Louise? Oh, they’ll still be here, but not for long, because the food’s all gone. You’ve eaten it. Maybe six months left, that’s all, and then nothing left to eat, nobody left to take care of them. They’ll die, too.
MIRI: Look at my arm, Jahn. It’s happening to me. He’s telling the truth.
JAHN: They’re Grups!
CHILDREN: Bonk bonk! Bonk bonk! Bonk bonk! Bonk bonk!
KIRK: All right, you want a foolie? All right. I dare you, I double-dare you. Look at the blood on my face. Now look at your hands. Blood on your hands. Now who’s doing the hurting? Not the Grups, it’s you hurting, yelling, maybe killing, just like the Grups you remember and creatures you’re afraid of. You’re acting like them, and you’re going to be just like them unless you let me help you. I’m a Grup, and I want to help you. I’m begging you, let me help you or there won’t be anything left at all. Please.
IRK: Look at his face.
SPOCK: The blemishes are fading. They’re fading. Who will understand the medical mind?
RAND: Miri. She really loved you, you know.
KIRK: Yes. I never get involved with older women, Yeoman.
KIRK: I would like to have met Doctor Adams. Have you ever been to a penal colony since they started following his theories?
MCCOY: A cage is a cage, Jim.
KIRK: You’re behind the times, Bones. They’re more like resort colonies now.
SPOCK: Interesting. Your Earth people glorify organised violence for forty centuries, but you imprison those who employ it privately.
MCCOY: And, of course, your people found an answer.
SPOCK: We disposed of emotion, Doctor. Where there is no emotion there is no motive for violence.
NOEL: Doctor Helen Noel, Captain. We’ve met. Don’t you remember the science lab Christmas party?
KIRK: Yes, I remember.
NOEL: You dropped in
KIRK: Yes, yes, I remember.
SPOCK: Problem, Captain?
KIRK: Mister Spock, you tell McCoy that she had better check out as the best assistant I ever had. Energize.
NOEL: Perhaps it would be simpler if you called me Helen, Captain, since–
KIRK: This is another time, another place, and another situation.
NOEL: Of course, Captain.
SPOCK: When do you plan to beam back up, Captain?
KIRK: I think we’ll spend the night here, Mister Spock.
GELDER: No! No, no, no.
KIRK: I’d like to see that treatment room again. You say you’re somewhat familiar with the theory behind it?
NOEL: Yes, somewhat, but if you’d simply state any doubts you have to Doctor Adams
KIRK: And if he’s lying, he’ll continue to lie, and I won’t find out a thing. The only way I can be sure is to see that machine at work, or is that too impractical and unscientific of me, Doctor? Well?
KIRK: Nothing happened.
NOEL: Something happened. Your face went completely blank.
KIRK: Try a harmless suggestion.
NOEL: You’re hungry.
KIRK: You know, when we finally get through this I’d like to locate and raid a kitchen somewhere.
NOEL: I put that suggestion in your mind, Captain. I said simply that you were hungry.
KIRK: Remarkably effective for a device that Doctor Adams was going to abandon.
SPOCK: Ahead slow. Steer a course around it, Mister Sulu.
BAILEY: It’s blocking the way!
SPOCK: Quite unnecessary to raise your voice, Mister Bailey.
KIRK: I’ll be right up. You could see the alarm lights flashing from there, McCoy. Why didn’t you tell me?
MCCOY: Finally finished a physical on you, didn’t I. (Kirk leaves) What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor? If I jumped every time a light came on around here, I’d end up talking to myself.
SPOCK: All decks have reported green, Mister Bailey.
BAILEY: Yes, sir.
SPOCK: And when the Captain arrives he will expect a full report on–
BAILEY: The cube’s range and position. I’ll have it by then. Raising my voice back there doesn’t mean I was scared or couldn’t do my job. It means I happen to have a human thing called an adrenaline gland.
SPOCK: It does sound most inconvenient, however. Have you considered having it removed?
BAILEY: Very funny.
SULU: You try to cross brains with Spock, he’ll cut you to pieces every time.
SCOTT: Motive power? Beats me what makes it go.
KIRK: I’ll buy speculation.
SCOTT: I’d sell it if I had any. That’s a solid cube. How something like that can sense us coming, block us, move when we move, well it beats me. That’s my report.
BAILEY: Sir, we going to just let it hold us here? We’ve got phaser weapons. I vote we blast it.
KIRK: I’ll keep that in mind, Mister Bailey, when this becomes a democracy.
KIRK: Anything further, gentlemen?
SPOCK: I believe it adds up to either one of two possibilities. First, a space buoy of some kind.
KIRK: And you don’t recommend sticking around.
KIRK: It’s time for action, gentlemen. Mister Bailey–
BAILEY: Bridge to Phaser Gun Crew
KIRK: Countermand. I’ll select what kind of action.
BAILEY: I’m sorry, sir. I thought you meant…
KIRK: Are you explaining, Mister Bailey? I haven’t requested an explanation. Now, as I was about to say, Navigator, plot us a spiral course away from the cube.
KIRK: Care to speculate on what we’ll find if we go on ahead?
SPOCK: Speculate? No. Logically, we’ll discover the intelligence which sent out the cube.
KIRK: Intelligence different from ours or superior?
SPOCK: Probably both, and if you’re asking the logical decision to make
KIRK: No, I’m not. The mission of the Enterprise is to seek out and contact alien life.
SPOCK: Has it occurred to you that there’s a certain inefficiency in constantly questioning me on things you’ve already made up your mind about?
KIRK: It gives me emotional security. Navigator, set a course ahead.
RAND: Excuse me, sir. It’s past time you had something to eat, sir.
KIRK: What the devil is this? Green leaves?
RAND: It’s dietary salad, sir. Doctor McCoy ordered your diet card changed. I thought you knew.
MCCOY: Your weight was up a couple of pounds, remember?
KIRK: When I find the headquarters genius that assigned me a female yeoman
MCCOY: What’s the matter, Jim. Don’t you trust yourself?
KIRK: I’ve already got a female to worry about. Her name’s the Enterprise.
BAILEY: We’ve only got eight minutes left.
SULU: Seven minutes and forty five seconds.
BAILEY: He’s doing a countdown!
MCCOY: Practically end of watch.
BAILEY: What, are you all out of your minds? End of watch? It’s the end of everything. What are you, robots? Wound-up toy soldiers? Don’t you know when you’re dying? Watch and regulations and orders What do they mean?
KIRK: Bailey, you’re relieved! Escort him to his quarters, Doctor.
SPOCK: I regret not having learned more about this Balok. In some manner he was reminiscent of my father.
SCOTT: Then may heaven have helped your mother.
SPOCK: Quite the contrary. She considered herself a very fortunate Earth woman.
KIRK: Doc. Sorry.
MCCOY: For having other things on your mind? My fault. I don’t how the devil you keep from punching me in the face.
KIRK: Ready, Doctor?
MCCOY: No, but you won’t let that stop you.
KIRK: How long will he live?
MCCOY: As long as any of us. Blast medicine anyway. We’ve learned to tie into every human organ in the body except one. The brain. The brain is what life is all about. Now, that man can think any thought that we can, and love, hope, dream as much as we can, but he can’t reach out, and no one can reach in.
MCCOY: What’s going on around here? Who said Jim needed a medical rest leave? And this call about me being needed aboard the ship. I’ve checked everywhere.
SPOCK: And no one from the ship made such a call.
MCCOY: That’s right.
SPOCK: Doctor, I regret they elected to keep certain things from you.
KIRK: Blast you any way. You had no right to come along.
MENDEZ: RHIP, Captain. Rank hath its privileges.
MCCOY: Mister Spock is, er, under arrest. Is confinement to quarters enough?
SPOCK: Adequate, Doctor. I’ll make no trouble.
MCCOY: Well, confine him.
SPOCK: Sir, I must point out that there are three officers of command rank available. Yourself, Commodore Mendez, and Captain Christopher Pike.
KIRK: Denied. Captain Pike is a complete invalid.
SPOCK: I believe you’ll find he’s still on the active duty list.
MENDEZ: We didn’t have the heart to retire him, Jim. He’s got you. Whatever he’s up to, he’s planned it well.
KIRK: Do you know what you’re doing? Have you lost your mind?
SPOCK: Captain, Jim, please don’t stop me. Don’t let him stop me. It’s your career and Captain Pike’s life. You must see the rest of the transmission.
KIRK: Lock him up.
SPOCK: Thank you, sir, for both of us. (flash)
KIRK: Er, Mister Spock, when you’re finished, please come back and see me. I want to talk to you. This regrettable tendency you’ve been showing lately towards flagrant emotionalism
SPOCK: I see no reason to insult me, sir. I believe I’ve been completely logical about the whole affair.
LENORE: So. Captain of the Enterprise. Interesting.
KIRK: So, Lady Macbeth. Interesting.
SPOCK: How did you know this lady was coming aboard?
KIRK: I’m the Captain.
KIRK: You make it sound very interesting. The crew has been on patrol for a long time. They could use a break in the monotony.
LENORE: Then you’ll do it?
KIRK: You’ve got me backed into a corner. The men would never forgive me if I deprived them of your performance, and your presence.
SPOCK: Benecia Colony is eight light years off our course.
KIRK: If my memory needs refreshing, Mister Spock, I’ll ask you for it. In the meantime, follow my orders.
MCCOY: Mister Spock, the man on top walks a lonely street. The chain of command is often a noose.
SPOCK: Spare me your philosophical metaphors, Doctor. The Captain is acting strangely. I’m asking if you’ve noticed.
MCCOY: Negative. Did you know this is the first time in a week I’ve had time for a drop of the true? Would you care for a drink, Mister Spock?
SPOCK: My father’s race was spared the dubious benefits of alcohol.
MCCOY: Now I know why they were conquered. What are you so worried about, anyway? I find Jim generally knows what he’s doing.
KIRK: It was illogical for him to bring those players aboard.
MCCOY: Illogical? Did you get a look at that Juliet? That’s a pretty exciting creature. Of course your, personal chemistry would prevent you from seeing that. Did it ever occur to you that he simply might like the girl?
SPOCK: It occurred. I dismissed it.
MCCOY: You would.
KIRK: What would you like to know?
LENORE: Has the machine changed them? Made them just people instead of women?
KIRK: Worlds may change, galaxies disintegrate, but a woman always remains a woman.
RILEY: Talk to me.
MATSON: Larry Matson here. Is that you, Riley?
MATSON: What’s up?
RILEY: Not me. I am down. In the engineering room.
MATSON: You’ve been a bad boy.
RILEY: Maybe so. Whatever I’ve done, they’re sure keeping it a secret from me. Hey. Is that Uhura playing? Let me talk to her.
MATSON: I think his heart is sore.
UHURA: What can I do for you, Riley?
RILEY: A song. Make it a love song. Just something to reassure me I’m not the only living thing left in the universe, huh?
SPOCK: Someone tried to kill him.
MCCOY: Could have been an accident.
SPOCK: You should be told the difference between empiricism and stubbornness, Doctor. I checked with the library computer, just as you did. I got the same information.
KIRK: Aren’t you getting a little out of line, Mister Spock? My personal business–
SPOCK: Is my personal business when it might interfere with the smooth operation of this ship.
KIRK: You think that happened?
SPOCK: It could happen.
KIRK: I don’t like anyone meddling in my private affairs. Not even my second in command.
MCCOY: Jim, Spock’s simply trying,
KIRK: I know what he’s doing, and I don’t like it.
MCCOY: It’s his job, and you know it.
KIRK: And you also know that nothing is proven.
SPOCK: Even in this corner of the galaxy, Captain, two plus two equals four. Almost certainly an attempt will be made to kill you. Why do you invite death?
KIRK: I’m not. I’m interested in justice.
MCCOY: Are you? Are you sure it’s not vengeance?
KIRK: Are you Kodos? I asked you a question.
KARIDIAN: Do you believe that I am?
KIRK: I do.
KARIDIAN: Then I am Kodos, if it pleases you to believe so. I am an actor. I play many parts.
KIRK: You’re an actor now. What were you twenty years ago?
KARIDIAN: Younger, Captain. Much younger.
MCCOY: In the long history of medicine, no doctor has ever caught the first few minutes of a play. Riley, don’t forget to– Riley? Captain Kirk, McCoy here.
KIRK: Yes, Doctor.
MCCOY: Riley’s gone. I was recording my log about Karidian and Kodos. If he overheard…
ROBERT: Happy wedding day, almost.
ANGELA: You won’t get off my hook this easily. I’m going to marry you, Mister, battle or phaser weapons notwithstanding.
ROBERT: Well, meanwhile, temporarily at least, I am still your superior officer. So get with it, Mister.
KIRK: Cancel battle stations. All decks, standby alert.
SULU: Cancel battle stations.
STILES: Captain, may I respectfully remind the Captain what has happened? The Romulans have crossed the Neutral Zone, attacked our outposts, killed our men.
KIRK: Mister Stiles.
STILES: Add to that the fact it was a sneak attack.
KIRK: Mister Stiles, are you questioning my orders?
STILES: Negative, sir. I’m pointing our that we could have Romulan spies aboard this ship.
SULU: I agree, sir. Respectfully recommend all decks maintain security alert.
KIRK: Very well. All decks, security alert.
UHURA: Cryptography is working on it, sir.
STILES: Give it to Spock.
KIRK: I didn’t quite get that, Mister Stiles.
STILES: Nothing, sir.
KIRK: Repeat it.
STILES: I was suggesting that Mister Spock could probably translate it for you, sir.
KIRK: I assume you’re complimenting Mister Spock on his ability to decode.
STILES: I’m not sure, sir.
KIRK: Well, here’s one thing you can be sure of, Mister. Leave any bigotry in your quarters. There’s no room for it on the Bridge. Do I make myself clear?
STILES: You do, sir.
STILES: We have to attack immediately.
STILES: They’re still on our side of the Neutral Zone. There would be no doubt they broke the treaty.
SULU: Attack, without a visible target? How do we aim our phasers?
STILES: Aim with sensors. Not accurate, but if we blanket them
SULU: And hope for a lucky shot before they zero in on us?
STILES: And if we don’t? Once back, they’ll report that we saw their weapons and ran.
SULU: And if they could report they destroyed us?
STILES: These are Romulans! You run away from them and you guarantee war. They’ll be back. Not just one ship but with everything they’ve got. You know that, Mister Science Officer. You’ve the expert on these people, always left out that one point. Why? I’m very interested in why.
KIRK: Sit down, Mister.
SPOCK: I agree. Attack.
KIRK: Are you suggesting we fight to prevent a fight?
MCCOY: Based on what? Memories of a war over a century ago? On theories about a people we’ve never even met face to face?
STILES: We know what they look like.
SPOCK: Yes, indeed we do, Mister Stiles. And if Romulans are an offshoot of my Vulcan blood, and I think this likely, then attack becomes even more imperative.
MCCOY: War is never imperative, Mister Spock.
SPOCK: It is for them, Doctor. Vulcan, like Earth, had its aggressive colonising period. Savage, even by Earth standards. And if Romulans retain this martial philosophy, then weakness is something we dare not show.
KIRK: Phasers, stand by.
STILES: Sir, at this distance?
KIRK: We know their Achilles heel, Mister Stiles. Their weapon takes all their energy. They must become visible in order to launch it.
STILES: A phaser hit at this distance would be the wildest stroke of luck.
KIRK: I’m aware of that, Mister Stiles. Are phasers ready?
STILES: Phasers show ready, sir.
KIRK: I wish I were on a long sea voyage somewhere. Not too much deck tennis, no frantic dancing, and no responsibility. Why me? I look around that Bridge, and I see the men waiting for me to make the next move. And Bones, what if I’m wrong?
MCCOY: Captain, I…
KIRK: No, I don’t really expect an answer.
MCCOY: But I’ve got one. Something I seldom say to a customer, Jim. In this galaxy, there’s a mathematical probability of three million Earth-type planets. And in all of the universe, three million million galaxies like this. And in all of that, and perhaps more, only one of each of us. Don’t destroy the one named Kirk.
KIRK: Captain. Standing by to beam your survivors aboard our ship. Prepare to abandon your vessel.
COMMANDER: No. No, that is not our way. I regret that we meet in this way. You and I are of a kind. In a different reality, I could have called you friend.
KIRK: What purpose will it serve to die?
COMMANDER: We are creatures of duty, Captain. I have lived my life by it. Just one more duty to perform.
STILES: I’m alive, sir. But I wouldn’t be. Mister Spock pulled me out of the phaser room. He saved my life. He risked his life after I–
SPOCK: I saved a trained navigator so he could return to duty. I am capable of no other feelings in such matters.