Tag: funny

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Esther: Hi there, what can I get you?

Claire: Um, I’m actually not sure. What would you recommend?

Esther: Well, the double mocha latte is very popular and so is the butter pecan swirl. Oh, and the caramel macchiato. And you give it some zhuzh, extra whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and you’re good to go.

Claire: Rainbow sprinkles?

Esther: Yeah, you only live once, right?

Kyle: Hey, Esther. I’ll have what she’s having.

**********************************

Esther: Two drip coffees, no whipped cream, no foam, no chocolate sprinkles and no… fun.

[ Kyle and Claire chuckle ]

Claire: I promise you, I will order something extra decadent next time.

Esther: Okay. I’ll hold you to that.

Claire: Thank you. So much for living large. You could have ordered something a little bit more interesting, though.

Kyle: This is exactly what I needed. You care to join me?

Claire: I don’t know.

Kyle: Well, if you’re worried about summer showing up, we could sit at two different tables and just sort of yell a conversation back and forth. Sound good?

Claire: It sounds loud.

Kyle: Yeah, one table it is then, if you have time.

Claire: I do. But do you? I mean, shouldn’t you be at the office?

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Audra: So, uh, what did you think about the article?

Nate: You’re officially an A-list mover and shaker, Audra. I’m impressed.

Audra: As you should be.

Nate: I also read the press release. You know, for a woman who’s so focused on every detail, it’s funny. You failed to mention that you’d be partnering up with another ex-lover. Fascinating.

*********************************************

Heather: Wh– why? Why would I want to leave the man of my dreams and our wonderful daughter and our beautiful, if slightly underfunded at the moment, life? Come on. We’ve worked too hard to get here. There’s absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be than sitting next to you in a park, drinking coffee on a work day.

Daniel: Well, it is pretty perfect. Minus the no jobs part.

Heather: Yeah. Minus that. But otherwise…

Daniel: You know, we could take these coffees and go back to the apartment. There are certain perks to being unemployed

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Diane: Do you really think Victor’s behind this?

Jack: It would explain his sudden interest in Kyle’s future.

Diane: But this seems extreme, even for Victor.

Jack: No, this is classic Victor. The powerful puppet master pulling all the strings.

Diane: True, but Newman hasn’t been in the cosmetics business for years. I mean, would he really go out and buy a company, just to give Kyle a job and stick it to you?

Jack: Now, keep in mind, he’s sticking it to Tucker as well by bringing Audra on board. No, this is classic Victor. He’s taking care of both of his enemies with one grand gesture.

Diane: And he’s using our son as a weapon.

Jack: Because he knows it would drive me crazy. God, we’ve been here before, luring Kyle away from his family. I should have seen this coming.

Diane: And you know what set happened

************************************************

Jack: Victor?

Victor: What are you doing in here?

Jack: I warned you. My family is off limits!

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Phyllis: At what point is another espresso a bad idea?

Nick: At the point when you get so wound up about Summer, I can start to see you twitch.

Phyllis: Oh, I’m not– I’m not wound up. I’m not stressed. I’m not. I’m just, I’m thinking methodically. Thinking methodically about all the things we put on the table as to what could really be going on with our daughter.

Nick: Have you got a winner yet?

Phyllis: I do. The last thing we came up with. I think that she is really going for custody for Harrison, or– or thinking about it, rather, because it’s a knee-jerk reaction. Because she’s angry, and maybe a little jealous.

Nick: Okay. Putting yourself in her shoes. Total stretch.

Phyllis: Yeah, but I’m not 100 percent sure. Because also, Nick, she knows Kyle. She knows when he’s distracted. And she knows when he’s reckless. And she knows if he’s going to be a bad influence on their son.

******************************************

Claire: Grandpa, are you following me around tonight?

Victor: No.

Claire: Because I told you I was fine.

Victor: I came here for a croissant. Now, look at these eclairs. You know, those were your mother’s favorite when she was a child.

Claire: They’re my favorite, too.

Victor: Really?

Claire: Yeah.

Victor: Okay. Well, why don’t we sit over there? There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.

Victor: Mmm. Mm-hmm. Good.

Claire: Do you want to hear something kind of funny?

Victor: What?

Claire: When I was a kid, I thought eclairs were named after me.

Victor: Oh, yeah?

Claire: Mm-hmm.

Victor: Perfect.

Claire: Note to self, don’t eat an eclair on a date.

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Phyllis: Ah, oh, no. No, blegh. No, mm-hmm.

Daniel: Not a fan of what you were listening to?

Phyllis: Oh, ah, I am not. I was just having a great morning, and then I was listening to some music, and– and a song of your dad’s came on. Ow, my ears. Not a fan. Ow, not a fan at all.

**************************Phyllis: I don’t know, I just think it’s kind of disgusting that your dad is touring with Christine all over the world. I just think it’s gross. I just don’t understand it. I mean, why he would pick Christine over having a real adult relationship with a real woman?

Daniel: I think that dad and Christine seem quite happy and I think that their relationship is very mature and very adult.

Phyllis: Oh, really? Oh, okay. So, are you paying attention? Because it’s obvious that they’re trying to go after some sparkly version of the past. I think your dad is actually losing his mind. What’s going on with you? I’m talking disparagingly about your dad and you’re not doing it. What is going on with you?

Daniel: So tell me about your heart attack.

Phyllis: Why are you laughing right now? Are you mocking me?

Daniel: No, no, no. I’m not– maybe. I don’t know. Maybe a little. Yeah. Yeah, it’s– it’s– it’s just amazing how self-absorbed and involved you are. Anytime that my life is just falling apart, I can just– I can count on you to be you. That’s for damn sure.

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Alan: Ashley, you know I don’t use words like that.

Ashley: Right. But I must be a delicate flower, and you just can’t cross that line.

Alan: It’s– it’s not about you, all right? Obviously, you are a beautiful, intelligent and fascinating woman.

Ashley: Well, I definitely felt an attraction. And I felt it from both sides.

Alan: I just don’t think it could go anywhere.

Ashley: So, stop dancing around it. Tell me why.

Alan: This is not my home. And, uh, you know, I can’t stay here indefinitely. And it is your home. Your family lives here. And I just don’t see how it could work out.

Ashley: Are you actually telling me that I’m geographically undesirable?

Alan: I wouldn’t use that phrase exactly. But, yeah, it would be a long-distance relationship. And in my experience, those kinds of things rarely work out.

Ashley: I don’t buy it.

Alan: What?

Ashley: Well, who’s to say I wouldn’t move to paris if someone, you know, made me want to?

Alan: Well, I couldn’t ask that of you.

Ashley: Then, why are you here at all?

Alan: Ashley, I–

Ashley: You’re here because you wanna psychoanalyze me. Just admit it, Alan

**************************************

Traci: Good. Um, where did you go?

Ashley: Out.

Traci: Yeah, I– I know you went out, Ashley. I’m just curious. Did you have a chance to see alan?

Ashley: And wouldn’t you like to know?

Traci: I’m just making conversation.

Ashley: No, I know what you want. You wanna know if alan has fixed me, right? You wanna know because, uh, god forbid Ashley have any feelings or emotions. I mean, the family just gets so uncomfortable when she’s like that, right? She’s just so much to handle. Ashley’s just too much, period. Isn’t she?

Traci: No. No one in the family thinks that at all about you.

Ashley: The hell, you don’T. You say you love me. You’re trying to convince me something’s wrong with me, traci. That’s not love. That’s hurtful. But I’ve accepted you. I’ve accepted jack. I’ve accepted all of you. So,why is it different for me wht can’t you just accept me?

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Audra: Oh, look who it is.

Ashley: Yeah, so please tell me you’ve wised up about tucker.

Audra: Oh, my god, we’re back to that?

Ashley: I know, I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I really can’T. I mean, I just don’t understand why you’re so taken with him. Oh, well. I guess everybody has their blind spots.

Audra: Um, of the two of us, I’m the one with the issues here.

Ashley: You know what, here you are all by yourself, right? A grown woman ready to take on the world. So maybe you really have ditched that snake?

Audra: Sorry to disappoint you, but tucker and I are solid. We’re connected.

Ashley: Aw.

Audra: We’re actually leaving town for a bit.

Ashley: Travel? I love that. Where to?

Audra: You know where.

Ashley: No? Seriously, you’re going to… what? I mean, oh, I know, because tucker’s relationships always work out so well for him in Paris.

********************************

Audra: You know, you either don’t want to see how solid tucker and I are or you just can’t understand. But I don’t give up on him when things get tough. I don’t give him mixed messages or patronize him. That’s the difference.

Ashley: Wonderful. Love should be cherished and celebrated and I wish you only the best.

Audra: You know, maybe that visit from your therapist friend is helping. You seem a little more even-keeled.

Ashley: Alan, mm. He’s a charmer, isn’t he?

Audra: You might wanna be careful there.

Ashley: Oh, why?

Audra: Well, you know, the whole doctor-patient thing. Might not be the best idea to get involved with your therapist.

Ashley: Look at you. You’re gonna give me dating advice? Now, that’s adorable.

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Phyllis: Well, looky here. Shouldn’t you be working on your super important case?

Christine: Ah, shouldn’t you be minding your own business?

Phyllis: I guess you’re drowning yourself in coffee and muffins because danny’s about to hit the road.

Christine: You don’t have to worry about me. I’m getting plenty of cardio these days.

Phyllis: Hm. Slacking off, I see. You know, if I were your client, I’d be mad. I would think I wasn’t getting my money’s worth.

Christine: Well, you couldn’t afford me and…

[ Christine laughs ] …I would never defend you. So, actually, I’m doing exactly what I should be at the moment.

Phyllis: Oh, my goodness, so I guess your important case wasn’t really that important after all.

Christine: You’re right about that.

Phyllis: You didn’t really want danny, did you? You just wanted to make sure I didn’t get him.

*******************************

Phyllis: Oh, great, great. Well, I will let you guys say your goodbyes. You know, I bet it’s gonna be exciting going in front of all your adoring fans and washing the stink off of an old flame. Somebody who chose work over romance.

Danny: You didn’t tell her?

Christine: No, she was too busy reading me like an open book.

Phyllis: Tell me what?

Christine: Uh, a little plot twist. I turned down the case. I’m going with danny after all.

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Jordan: I knew it. You need me. You’re not just let me rot in here when I have something that I can offer you. I have a skillset that you need.

Victor: I don’t need you. I’m merely considering my options right now.

Jordan: Okay. Okay. Okay, victor. Then, you tell me. You tell me, okay? Whatever it is, I’ll do it.

Victor: It’ll be at a time of my choosing.

******”**************************

Jordan: Oh, surely. Surely, you don’t doubt my capabilities. My ability to take risks, push the limits. I have a special talent for you. Only I can do… what I can do. You know that. I can smell fear, I can manipulate it, I can weaponize it. Just ask your lovely wife.

Victor: You’re a delusional, vicious bitch. And don’t ever mention Nikki again.

[ Jordan laughs ]

Jordan: Whatever the great and powerful Victor Newman wants. But I think that you want me to do your dirty work. And I think… I’m right. I mean, what is it? My hands are already awash in blood. What’s a little more?

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Jack: Okay, I’m not gonna argue this with you. Nikki finally made her own decision about going to rehab.

Victor: And that was up to me to convince her to do that.

Jack: No one decides when or how Nikki gets sober. Only Nikki can get herself there. And she did. Isn’t that what matters?

Victor: And what you did was unconscionable.

Jack: My conscience is clear.

Victor: That only shows me how delusional you are.

Jack: Hold on.

Victor: Is your ego that big and that fragile, you can’t admit that you made a huge mistake?

“******”******************

Jack: My giant ego? Isn’t this about your giant ego and your being shattered that you did not know how far gone Nikki was? Isn’t that why you’re coming after me?

Victor: Don’t you turn this back on me.

Jack: All I care about is that Nikki survived. Had I not stepped in at the rate she was going, she would be drinking herself to death right now. Victor, I know how much you love her. Isn’t that the most important thing? She found the help she needs.

Victor: I want her to become strong and healthy around professionals, not amateurs like you.

Jack: I never claimed to be a professional, merely a friend trying to help someone I care a great deal about.

Victor: You put her life in jeopardy.

Jack: Nikki is okay.

Victor: She was absolutely petrified when you collapsed on that– she called the paramedics for heaven’s sake. You could’ve died!

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Nate: Busy, yeah, yeah, I get it. Me too, me too. So, uh, where’s, uh, tucker?

Audra: Hm. I don’t know. Around.

Nate: Ah, well, you two are usually joined at the hip. Hope that means you got wise and kicked him to the curb.

Audra: Oh, well, sorry to disappoint you, but tucker and i are as solid as ever.

Nate: Ah, too bad.

Audra: Is it?

Nate: Isn’t it?

Audra: Well, we’re independent people who do independent things, which i think it’s healthy in a relationship. You should try it sometime.

Nate: Ooh, smack.

Audra: Well, you deserved that.

Nate: Look, look, I didn’t come over here to argue with you, Audra. Um, truth is, I miss our friendship

*****************************************

Alan: Well, I was beginning to wonder after our last visit.

Ashley: I have to apologize for my very unpleasant behavior. It’s living with this family. You know, they’re just picking at me and prodding me. It’s like living under a microscope, you know?

Alan: Yeah, that must be– that must be difficult.

Ashley: Yeah, I have no words for it. But here I am treating you like you’re their guard dog instead of my dear friend. I hope you can forgive me.

Alan: Of course, I forgive you.

Ashley: Okay, ’cause the last thing I want is for you to think that I’m pushing you away.

Alan: Well, not too long ago you did tell me to pack my bags and head off to Vienna.

Ashley: Don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to me at all. No, that was just me in the heat of the moment dealing with horrible siblings that don’t believe anything I say. I mean, I’m not mad at you. Honestly, I feel like you’re the only person in my life I can actually trust.

Alan: I’m very glad to hear that. And I want you to know that I am here to listen to whatever you have on your mind

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Nick: He said mom told him that it was just to shake some sense into her. Is that true? It was just about saving my mom and not about you falling off the wagon?

Jack: Nikki had given up. She had no fight left in her. I could not get through to her. At that moment, I would’ve done anything.

Nick: Dad said the paramedics were there. You had passed out.

Jack: Yeah, that part’s a little hazy.

Nick: So, it’s true. You took the pills and sabotaged your own sobriety.

Jack: It was a necessity. Hey, I saw a friend in danger. I went out on a limb. Maybe too far out, but at least it succeeded.

Nick: You know it was crazy, right? It’s a crazy thing to do, Jack. I can’t even wrap my head around a gesture like that.

Jack: I take it you disapprove.

Nick: It’s not my place to judge you. I mean, my mom is finally in rehab and you seem to have made it out the other side. You okay?

***********************************

Sally: Well, you guys will have to play catch up, now that he knows more than you.

Adam: I just wish it was about video games or soccer moves. But I guess I’ll take it. I can see in his eyes how badly he wants to get better. And I wanna hold onto hope.

Sally: You should. Let him see that.

Adam: I’m not sure what else to do. You know, I feel like an observer in all of this. You know, letting an outsider look after my kid.

Sally: But you feel like Connor feels empowered. Like he has a say in all this.

Adam: Well, he feels like they get him. He’s not alone.

Sally: That’s positive. You know, you’re– you’re feeling your way through this. And so’s connor.

Adam: Yeah. I guess.

Sally: Why do you say it like that?

Adam: Just, I feel like my son is moving on without me. He’s leaving me behind

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Sharon: That is the cruelest thing you can say to a child when their parents are their whole world.

Phyllis: Oh, she’s a sick bitch.

Sharon: Phyllis, um, you know, maybe you should rein in your anger a little bit when you’re around Harrison. I know that this is difficult, if not unbearable, but Harrison’s already been through enough stress as it is.

Phyllis: Okay, I’m not clueless. Sharon, I would never talk like that in front of Harrison, but we’re adults here, and it’s very emotional, and I think the entire world would agree with me if they knew what Jordan did to that little boy

***********************************

Phyllis: You’re very good at that. You know, being soothing and talking, even though you’re not in the therapist business anymore.

Sharon: Well, thank you. I’m always happy to help. And if you need any help, someone to talk to…

Phyllis: You?

Sharon: Well, no, not me somebody else.

Phyllis: Yeah, somebody else, of course, I figured.

Sharon: You figured, right?

Phyllis: Yeah, that would be crazy. When my doctor gave me Breztri for my COPD

Sharon: I, uh, I know how much summer means to you.

Phyllis: Yes, it’s just– it’s hard when she’s upset and I can’t do anything to fix it.

Sharon: Well, I can imagine how worried you must’ve been about summer and Harrison. Um, but everyone is safe now. And from what I can tell, summer has turned out to be a great mother.

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Nikki: [ Slurring ] Uh, Victor? Victor? Jack? Lauren? Jack? Oh, can’t you people stop calling me? Can I have one damn moment of peace? I mean, is that so much to ask?

[ Grunts ]

[ Sighs ] That bitch is finally dead. I deserve this. I earned it.

[ Cell phone buzzes ] God, who now? Oh… well, Victor again. “I’ve been trying to reach you. “Where are you?” Right where I wanna be. Yep.

[ Exhales ] Right where I wanna be.

***************************************

Alan: Of that, I have no doubt. Would you like to join us?

Ashley: Oh, don’t feel obligated.

Jack: Thank you. I think I will. So, Ashley has kept you under wraps. I know you’re friends, but not much more. How long have you two known each other? When did you meet?

Ashley: Go ahead. Why don’t you tell that story?

Alan: No, I think you would do it justice.

Ashley: Well, damn. Nobody told me there was gonna be a pop quiz.

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Diane: Huh. How are you feeling?

Ashley: I’m feeling fine. How are you feeling?

Diane: Uh, I’m good, and I’m glad to hear it. You– you’ve had your ups and downs lately. It’s been quite a roller coaster. For jack and Traci, too.

Ashley: Yeah. If I didn’t know you so well, that butter wouldn’t melt in your mouth routine might actually work.

Diane: I’m not pretending to be concerned.

Ashley: Oh, don’t be that way. It’s a compliment. Kill ’em with kindness has always been my motto, too.

*****************************

Traci: My sister has been having mood swings.

Alan: Uh, highs and lows, or?

Traci: No, um, more like personality shifts. For example, uh, she will be extremely confident.

Alan: Well, that’s Ashley.

[ Both laugh ]

Traci: Yeah. So, take that Ashley to the nth degree. And at the next moment, she’ll be almost childlike. And then last night, we got a new one. Uh, uh, tequila shots and live it up. But the most troubling is when she is our ashley. She’s so fragile. And she’s confided in me that she’s having blackouts.

Alan: Wait, from alcohol?

Traci: I don’t think so. The– the time I know about for sure, she insists she had nothing to drink.

Alan: Blackouts. What else does she say about the blackouts?

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Jack: Your family has been through hell, Nikki. Claire is still missing. Work can wait. Come on.

Nikki: But– but it helps me to not think about everything, and I desperately need that, even if it’s just for an hour. I– I will go to a meeting afterwards. I promise.

Jack: Okay. Okay.

Nikki: It’s okay to blame me, honey. I blame myself.

Summer: No. Jack’s right. Jordan is the only person responsible.

Nikki: Thank you for that. Please give Harrison a hug from me. I’m– I’m so grateful that he’s home.

Summer: I will.

******************************

Chelsea: I’m terrified, Adam. I’m terrified. But I’m afraid if I fall into that well of– of shame and guilt, I won’t be able to crawl out. I want to kill this thing that’s hurting our son. I want to destroy it. And of course I blame myself. I blame myself for my– for my weakness and my illness. And I– and I hate myself. And I’m not strong enough to stop this.

Adam: Yeah, well, I– I was not there for a big part of Connor’s life. And when I was there, I created chaos. Do you know what I was thinking when he said he would just forget big chunks of time? I was thinking, yeah, I know, because that was me too.

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Lily: Well, I did have an interesting conversation with Mamie today. And by interesting, I mean disturbing.

Billy: Let me guess, you didn’t vote the party line? Is that why?

Lily: Oh, no. She went as far to say that maybe I was too emotionally distraught over my breakup with Daniel in order to make the right decision.

[ Billy whistles ]

Billy: Damn. That’s just rude.

Lily: I don’t know. Maybe she was being sympathetic.

Billy: Which means you think maybe she wasn’t. So does that mean you’re finally coming around to the idea that your aunt Mamie is trouble?

************************************

Tucker: Ashley, I– I know you– you don’t want to listen to me, but I hope you will listen to your sister.

Ashley: Thank you so much, daddy issue. Now, excuse me, I’m gonna go to the ladies’ before we hit the road.

Traci: I will go with you.

Ashley: No, you will not. I’ll be back in a second. Excuse me.

[ Traci sighs ]

Tucker: Seems we have an entirely new Ashley this evening.

Traci: I don’t know what you mean.

Tucker: Tracy. [ Sighs ] I walked in on a family intervention about getting her help, and it would appear she hasn’t gotten any.

Traci: Look, I am not gonna have this conversation with you, tucker. You or audra. This is a private family matter. And I thought we all agreed that this is no longer any of your concern, so–

Tucker: She did threaten me.

Traci: And I think you can see by her behavior tonight, she couldn’t care less about you. So please, just take this opportunity to let it go.

Tucker: Let it go

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Kyle: What was your dream about, buddy?

Harrison: About the witch lady. She was mean.

Kyle: Jordan will never be able to hurt you again.

Summer: And neither will Claire.

Harrison: Claire didn’t hurt me.

Kyle: She didn’t?

Harrison: The witch hurt her.

Summer: What do you mean, sweetie?

Harrison: Claire’s in trouble, mommy. We have to save her.

*****”**””*”****************

Jordan: You bastard.

Victor: I’ve been called much worse.

Jordan: Help! Help! Get me out of here! Help!

Victor: You can yell all you want. No one can hear you. I have seen to that many years ago.

Jordan: You can’t do this to me.

Victor: I can. I have. There’s no way out for you. No poison to take. No fire to set. No way out. Except through me. Now, you tell me where I find my granddaughter.

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Ashley: Well, how do you do? You can make a girl happy with a shot of tequila. And don’t you forget that teeny-weeny slice of lime and that itsy-bitsy bit of salt. Hm.

*************************************

Ashley: Oh, yeah. You have truly been blessed with brilliant hands.

Piano player: As long as you like it, I’ll keep playing.

Ashley: I like it. I like it. Oh, it feels so good just to cut loose and enjoy myself. I’ve been in a cage. It’s really been like a prison. Three hots and a cot, I should say. But shouldn’t someone have the right to come and go as they please? Someone who means no harm to anyone at all. I mean, that’s just the whole thing. I’m the one who’s looking for the– the pleasant solution, not the messy one. Oh, I just love it here. Everyone having free will to do whatever the hell they want.

Piano player: That’s the idea.

Ashley: Don’t you see, though, that’s the shame of it all. I don’t get to do what I want. No, everybody seems to have a vote in what I do and what I say. And what’s the fun in that, I ask you? None. Looking at me with sad eyes and pity. And I am the last woman on this green planet to need anybody’s pity. You know what? What difference does it make if I can’t remember this or that occasion? It just means that maybe it’s not worth remembering. Or maybe it’s the tequila. Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter, does it? ‘Cause I’m having fun. And thanks to you, I’m having more fun than I’ve had in ages, so whatever you do, you sweetie pie, don’t you stop the music. Whoo! Yeah!

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