Tag: funny

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Esther: Hi there, what can I get you?

Claire: Um, I’m actually not sure. What would you recommend?

Esther: Well, the double mocha latte is very popular and so is the butter pecan swirl. Oh, and the caramel macchiato. And you give it some zhuzh, extra whipped cream, rainbow sprinkles, and you’re good to go.

Claire: Rainbow sprinkles?

Esther: Yeah, you only live once, right?

Kyle: Hey, Esther. I’ll have what she’s having.

**********************************

Esther: Two drip coffees, no whipped cream, no foam, no chocolate sprinkles and no… fun.

[ Kyle and Claire chuckle ]

Claire: I promise you, I will order something extra decadent next time.

Esther: Okay. I’ll hold you to that.

Claire: Thank you. So much for living large. You could have ordered something a little bit more interesting, though.

Kyle: This is exactly what I needed. You care to join me?

Claire: I don’t know.

Kyle: Well, if you’re worried about summer showing up, we could sit at two different tables and just sort of yell a conversation back and forth. Sound good?

Claire: It sounds loud.

Kyle: Yeah, one table it is then, if you have time.

Claire: I do. But do you? I mean, shouldn’t you be at the office?

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Audra: So, uh, what did you think about the article?

Nate: You’re officially an A-list mover and shaker, Audra. I’m impressed.

Audra: As you should be.

Nate: I also read the press release. You know, for a woman who’s so focused on every detail, it’s funny. You failed to mention that you’d be partnering up with another ex-lover. Fascinating.

*********************************************

Heather: Wh– why? Why would I want to leave the man of my dreams and our wonderful daughter and our beautiful, if slightly underfunded at the moment, life? Come on. We’ve worked too hard to get here. There’s absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be than sitting next to you in a park, drinking coffee on a work day.

Daniel: Well, it is pretty perfect. Minus the no jobs part.

Heather: Yeah. Minus that. But otherwise…

Daniel: You know, we could take these coffees and go back to the apartment. There are certain perks to being unemployed

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Diane: Do you really think Victor’s behind this?

Jack: It would explain his sudden interest in Kyle’s future.

Diane: But this seems extreme, even for Victor.

Jack: No, this is classic Victor. The powerful puppet master pulling all the strings.

Diane: True, but Newman hasn’t been in the cosmetics business for years. I mean, would he really go out and buy a company, just to give Kyle a job and stick it to you?

Jack: Now, keep in mind, he’s sticking it to Tucker as well by bringing Audra on board. No, this is classic Victor. He’s taking care of both of his enemies with one grand gesture.

Diane: And he’s using our son as a weapon.

Jack: Because he knows it would drive me crazy. God, we’ve been here before, luring Kyle away from his family. I should have seen this coming.

Diane: And you know what set happened

************************************************

Jack: Victor?

Victor: What are you doing in here?

Jack: I warned you. My family is off limits!

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Phyllis: At what point is another espresso a bad idea?

Nick: At the point when you get so wound up about Summer, I can start to see you twitch.

Phyllis: Oh, I’m not– I’m not wound up. I’m not stressed. I’m not. I’m just, I’m thinking methodically. Thinking methodically about all the things we put on the table as to what could really be going on with our daughter.

Nick: Have you got a winner yet?

Phyllis: I do. The last thing we came up with. I think that she is really going for custody for Harrison, or– or thinking about it, rather, because it’s a knee-jerk reaction. Because she’s angry, and maybe a little jealous.

Nick: Okay. Putting yourself in her shoes. Total stretch.

Phyllis: Yeah, but I’m not 100 percent sure. Because also, Nick, she knows Kyle. She knows when he’s distracted. And she knows when he’s reckless. And she knows if he’s going to be a bad influence on their son.

******************************************

Claire: Grandpa, are you following me around tonight?

Victor: No.

Claire: Because I told you I was fine.

Victor: I came here for a croissant. Now, look at these eclairs. You know, those were your mother’s favorite when she was a child.

Claire: They’re my favorite, too.

Victor: Really?

Claire: Yeah.

Victor: Okay. Well, why don’t we sit over there? There’s something I’d like to discuss with you.

Victor: Mmm. Mm-hmm. Good.

Claire: Do you want to hear something kind of funny?

Victor: What?

Claire: When I was a kid, I thought eclairs were named after me.

Victor: Oh, yeah?

Claire: Mm-hmm.

Victor: Perfect.

Claire: Note to self, don’t eat an eclair on a date.

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Phyllis: Ah, oh, no. No, blegh. No, mm-hmm.

Daniel: Not a fan of what you were listening to?

Phyllis: Oh, ah, I am not. I was just having a great morning, and then I was listening to some music, and– and a song of your dad’s came on. Ow, my ears. Not a fan. Ow, not a fan at all.

**************************Phyllis: I don’t know, I just think it’s kind of disgusting that your dad is touring with Christine all over the world. I just think it’s gross. I just don’t understand it. I mean, why he would pick Christine over having a real adult relationship with a real woman?

Daniel: I think that dad and Christine seem quite happy and I think that their relationship is very mature and very adult.

Phyllis: Oh, really? Oh, okay. So, are you paying attention? Because it’s obvious that they’re trying to go after some sparkly version of the past. I think your dad is actually losing his mind. What’s going on with you? I’m talking disparagingly about your dad and you’re not doing it. What is going on with you?

Daniel: So tell me about your heart attack.

Phyllis: Why are you laughing right now? Are you mocking me?

Daniel: No, no, no. I’m not– maybe. I don’t know. Maybe a little. Yeah. Yeah, it’s– it’s– it’s just amazing how self-absorbed and involved you are. Anytime that my life is just falling apart, I can just– I can count on you to be you. That’s for damn sure.

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Alan: Ashley, you know I don’t use words like that.

Ashley: Right. But I must be a delicate flower, and you just can’t cross that line.

Alan: It’s– it’s not about you, all right? Obviously, you are a beautiful, intelligent and fascinating woman.

Ashley: Well, I definitely felt an attraction. And I felt it from both sides.

Alan: I just don’t think it could go anywhere.

Ashley: So, stop dancing around it. Tell me why.

Alan: This is not my home. And, uh, you know, I can’t stay here indefinitely. And it is your home. Your family lives here. And I just don’t see how it could work out.

Ashley: Are you actually telling me that I’m geographically undesirable?

Alan: I wouldn’t use that phrase exactly. But, yeah, it would be a long-distance relationship. And in my experience, those kinds of things rarely work out.

Ashley: I don’t buy it.

Alan: What?

Ashley: Well, who’s to say I wouldn’t move to paris if someone, you know, made me want to?

Alan: Well, I couldn’t ask that of you.

Ashley: Then, why are you here at all?

Alan: Ashley, I–

Ashley: You’re here because you wanna psychoanalyze me. Just admit it, Alan

**************************************

Traci: Good. Um, where did you go?

Ashley: Out.

Traci: Yeah, I– I know you went out, Ashley. I’m just curious. Did you have a chance to see alan?

Ashley: And wouldn’t you like to know?

Traci: I’m just making conversation.

Ashley: No, I know what you want. You wanna know if alan has fixed me, right? You wanna know because, uh, god forbid Ashley have any feelings or emotions. I mean, the family just gets so uncomfortable when she’s like that, right? She’s just so much to handle. Ashley’s just too much, period. Isn’t she?

Traci: No. No one in the family thinks that at all about you.

Ashley: The hell, you don’T. You say you love me. You’re trying to convince me something’s wrong with me, traci. That’s not love. That’s hurtful. But I’ve accepted you. I’ve accepted jack. I’ve accepted all of you. So,why is it different for me wht can’t you just accept me?

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Audra: Oh, look who it is.

Ashley: Yeah, so please tell me you’ve wised up about tucker.

Audra: Oh, my god, we’re back to that?

Ashley: I know, I’m sorry. I can’t help it. I really can’T. I mean, I just don’t understand why you’re so taken with him. Oh, well. I guess everybody has their blind spots.

Audra: Um, of the two of us, I’m the one with the issues here.

Ashley: You know what, here you are all by yourself, right? A grown woman ready to take on the world. So maybe you really have ditched that snake?

Audra: Sorry to disappoint you, but tucker and I are solid. We’re connected.

Ashley: Aw.

Audra: We’re actually leaving town for a bit.

Ashley: Travel? I love that. Where to?

Audra: You know where.

Ashley: No? Seriously, you’re going to… what? I mean, oh, I know, because tucker’s relationships always work out so well for him in Paris.

********************************

Audra: You know, you either don’t want to see how solid tucker and I are or you just can’t understand. But I don’t give up on him when things get tough. I don’t give him mixed messages or patronize him. That’s the difference.

Ashley: Wonderful. Love should be cherished and celebrated and I wish you only the best.

Audra: You know, maybe that visit from your therapist friend is helping. You seem a little more even-keeled.

Ashley: Alan, mm. He’s a charmer, isn’t he?

Audra: You might wanna be careful there.

Ashley: Oh, why?

Audra: Well, you know, the whole doctor-patient thing. Might not be the best idea to get involved with your therapist.

Ashley: Look at you. You’re gonna give me dating advice? Now, that’s adorable.

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Phyllis: Well, looky here. Shouldn’t you be working on your super important case?

Christine: Ah, shouldn’t you be minding your own business?

Phyllis: I guess you’re drowning yourself in coffee and muffins because danny’s about to hit the road.

Christine: You don’t have to worry about me. I’m getting plenty of cardio these days.

Phyllis: Hm. Slacking off, I see. You know, if I were your client, I’d be mad. I would think I wasn’t getting my money’s worth.

Christine: Well, you couldn’t afford me and…

[ Christine laughs ] …I would never defend you. So, actually, I’m doing exactly what I should be at the moment.

Phyllis: Oh, my goodness, so I guess your important case wasn’t really that important after all.

Christine: You’re right about that.

Phyllis: You didn’t really want danny, did you? You just wanted to make sure I didn’t get him.

*******************************

Phyllis: Oh, great, great. Well, I will let you guys say your goodbyes. You know, I bet it’s gonna be exciting going in front of all your adoring fans and washing the stink off of an old flame. Somebody who chose work over romance.

Danny: You didn’t tell her?

Christine: No, she was too busy reading me like an open book.

Phyllis: Tell me what?

Christine: Uh, a little plot twist. I turned down the case. I’m going with danny after all.

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Jordan: I knew it. You need me. You’re not just let me rot in here when I have something that I can offer you. I have a skillset that you need.

Victor: I don’t need you. I’m merely considering my options right now.

Jordan: Okay. Okay. Okay, victor. Then, you tell me. You tell me, okay? Whatever it is, I’ll do it.

Victor: It’ll be at a time of my choosing.

******”**************************

Jordan: Oh, surely. Surely, you don’t doubt my capabilities. My ability to take risks, push the limits. I have a special talent for you. Only I can do… what I can do. You know that. I can smell fear, I can manipulate it, I can weaponize it. Just ask your lovely wife.

Victor: You’re a delusional, vicious bitch. And don’t ever mention Nikki again.

[ Jordan laughs ]

Jordan: Whatever the great and powerful Victor Newman wants. But I think that you want me to do your dirty work. And I think… I’m right. I mean, what is it? My hands are already awash in blood. What’s a little more?

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Jack: Okay, I’m not gonna argue this with you. Nikki finally made her own decision about going to rehab.

Victor: And that was up to me to convince her to do that.

Jack: No one decides when or how Nikki gets sober. Only Nikki can get herself there. And she did. Isn’t that what matters?

Victor: And what you did was unconscionable.

Jack: My conscience is clear.

Victor: That only shows me how delusional you are.

Jack: Hold on.

Victor: Is your ego that big and that fragile, you can’t admit that you made a huge mistake?

“******”******************

Jack: My giant ego? Isn’t this about your giant ego and your being shattered that you did not know how far gone Nikki was? Isn’t that why you’re coming after me?

Victor: Don’t you turn this back on me.

Jack: All I care about is that Nikki survived. Had I not stepped in at the rate she was going, she would be drinking herself to death right now. Victor, I know how much you love her. Isn’t that the most important thing? She found the help she needs.

Victor: I want her to become strong and healthy around professionals, not amateurs like you.

Jack: I never claimed to be a professional, merely a friend trying to help someone I care a great deal about.

Victor: You put her life in jeopardy.

Jack: Nikki is okay.

Victor: She was absolutely petrified when you collapsed on that– she called the paramedics for heaven’s sake. You could’ve died!

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Nate: Busy, yeah, yeah, I get it. Me too, me too. So, uh, where’s, uh, tucker?

Audra: Hm. I don’t know. Around.

Nate: Ah, well, you two are usually joined at the hip. Hope that means you got wise and kicked him to the curb.

Audra: Oh, well, sorry to disappoint you, but tucker and i are as solid as ever.

Nate: Ah, too bad.

Audra: Is it?

Nate: Isn’t it?

Audra: Well, we’re independent people who do independent things, which i think it’s healthy in a relationship. You should try it sometime.

Nate: Ooh, smack.

Audra: Well, you deserved that.

Nate: Look, look, I didn’t come over here to argue with you, Audra. Um, truth is, I miss our friendship

*****************************************

Alan: Well, I was beginning to wonder after our last visit.

Ashley: I have to apologize for my very unpleasant behavior. It’s living with this family. You know, they’re just picking at me and prodding me. It’s like living under a microscope, you know?

Alan: Yeah, that must be– that must be difficult.

Ashley: Yeah, I have no words for it. But here I am treating you like you’re their guard dog instead of my dear friend. I hope you can forgive me.

Alan: Of course, I forgive you.

Ashley: Okay, ’cause the last thing I want is for you to think that I’m pushing you away.

Alan: Well, not too long ago you did tell me to pack my bags and head off to Vienna.

Ashley: Don’t listen to me. Don’t listen to me at all. No, that was just me in the heat of the moment dealing with horrible siblings that don’t believe anything I say. I mean, I’m not mad at you. Honestly, I feel like you’re the only person in my life I can actually trust.

Alan: I’m very glad to hear that. And I want you to know that I am here to listen to whatever you have on your mind

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Nick: He said mom told him that it was just to shake some sense into her. Is that true? It was just about saving my mom and not about you falling off the wagon?

Jack: Nikki had given up. She had no fight left in her. I could not get through to her. At that moment, I would’ve done anything.

Nick: Dad said the paramedics were there. You had passed out.

Jack: Yeah, that part’s a little hazy.

Nick: So, it’s true. You took the pills and sabotaged your own sobriety.

Jack: It was a necessity. Hey, I saw a friend in danger. I went out on a limb. Maybe too far out, but at least it succeeded.

Nick: You know it was crazy, right? It’s a crazy thing to do, Jack. I can’t even wrap my head around a gesture like that.

Jack: I take it you disapprove.

Nick: It’s not my place to judge you. I mean, my mom is finally in rehab and you seem to have made it out the other side. You okay?

***********************************

Sally: Well, you guys will have to play catch up, now that he knows more than you.

Adam: I just wish it was about video games or soccer moves. But I guess I’ll take it. I can see in his eyes how badly he wants to get better. And I wanna hold onto hope.

Sally: You should. Let him see that.

Adam: I’m not sure what else to do. You know, I feel like an observer in all of this. You know, letting an outsider look after my kid.

Sally: But you feel like Connor feels empowered. Like he has a say in all this.

Adam: Well, he feels like they get him. He’s not alone.

Sally: That’s positive. You know, you’re– you’re feeling your way through this. And so’s connor.

Adam: Yeah. I guess.

Sally: Why do you say it like that?

Adam: Just, I feel like my son is moving on without me. He’s leaving me behind

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