Days of Our Lives Transcript
Transcript provided by Thane
THIS STILL NEEDS EXTENSIVE EDITING!
“OK, Angelina, I got to tell you something. “I am not your sister. I am your mother.” Oh, God, I smell. “Angelina, I’ve got to tell you some–”
Grandma?
Do I look like a grandma?
Well, you certainly look like mine.
Sorry, kiddo. I don’t have any kids, so I probably don’t have any grandkids either.
Ah, so then you must be Hattie Adams, right?
Who wants to know?
Johnny DiMera. I am Marlena’s grandson.
Oh, hey. Hey, nice to meet you, Johnny.
You too, likewise. Wow. I mean, I knew that you looked like my grandma, but the resemblance is uncanny.
Yeah, I know. People get us mixed up all the time.
[light music]
“A person suffering from DID may not be aware “what their alters are thinking or experiencing, thus each can operate as separate, distinct personas.”
[quirky music] Oh, my God. That describes Dr. Evans to a tee. One minute, she’s wolfing down pork rinds and calling me “hunty” and I’m telling her about the time I thought Andy Cohen was hitting on me at Whole Foods but it turns out, he was just looking for ketchup and he thought I worked there. The next minute, it’s like none of that ever happened. She’s back to her prim and proper self.
[breathes deeply] Leo… you are a Good Samaritan. You have got to do something. You have got to help this woman, but how? Think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think, think.
[gasps] I know. I’ll stage an intervention. It worked for Everett. Or did it make things worse? Either way, it’s worth a shot.
[exhales heavily] Dr. Evans, it’s Leo Stark. I need to see you, like, right away. It’s an emergency.
[exhales heavily]
[sighs] You know what I’ve been thinking?
No, what?
Annette Bening. Wouldn’t she make a great guest star? I mean, just a short, like five-episode story arc? OK, listen to this, OK? Judith Callahan, the interior fashion designer, she comes storming into town, mascara streaming down her face, demands to talk to her long-lost husband, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
[laughs] Annette Bening, huh? I’ll keep that in mind. Hey, have you had a chance to look at Leo’s sample script?
Yeah, I did. I read it last night.
What’d you think?
Well, it was certainly melodramatic, filled with hyperbolic dialogue.
That’s too bad. I thought it was pretty terrific.
Oh, no, no, no. You’re misunderstanding me. That was a compliment. I mean, I think melodrama is exactly what the show needs. You know, our audience, they want to be transported to a place where the stakes are high, the emotions grand, and there’s a chance for love around every corner.
[dramatic music]
[light piano music]
Excuse me, miss, is this seat taken?
No, you’re welcome to sit.
Mm.
[chuckles]
[sighs]
I’m actually leaving in a few.
Jeez, something I said?
[chuckles] I have a meeting with a potential new client. I’m just working on the finishing touches on the proposal.
Ah, nice. That is too bad, though. I was gonna invite you to grab a drink with me and Dad and Bonnie. They’re coming to meet me here.
Oh, wish I could.
Mm.
Rain check?
[inhales sharply] OK, fine.
[chuckles]
But, you know, it was actually really weird. You know, breaking all those plates last night, it actually did the trick.
Trick?
Yeah. I mean, aside from being a great way to release pent-up anger, it’s supposed to bring about new beginnings. Now here you are, brand-new job opportunity.
Huh, I didn’t think about that.
Mm-hmm.
Well, I suppose I have you to thank for that, Alex.
Mm-hmm.
Next time we meet up, tequila shots on me.
Oh, deal.
[chuckles]
Mm. Oh! Oh, my–
Damn it!
[tense music]
[soft orchestration] announcer: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the “Days of Our Lives.”
Steph, I am so, so sorry, really. I’m gonna grab more napkins.
No, no, no. It’s dry now. I’m just worried that it might have short-circuited or whatever.
[sighs]
[light piano music]
Great. It did. It’s completely frozen.
Oh, God, just let me try, please.
[sighs]
OK.
[sighs]
Oh, damn.
Yeah, damn.
You know what? Maybe I can help you with the–
What, what, write an entirely new proposal? My meeting is in a few minutes.
Steph, I am so, so sorry.
You know what? It’s fine. It’s OK. It was an accident. It–I can figure something out.
[sighs] Well, still, at least let me pay for your meal and your drink.
No, I can’t let you do that.
[sighs] Please. Hey, I insist. I insist.
It’s OK, Alex, really.
Hey, you two.
Dad, hey. Bonnie.
What’s going on here, hmm?
[sighs]
So sample script written by Leo Stark. Teaser A. should I act out this first speech?
Yeah, let’s hear it.
OK, give it a try. “You don’t think I love you? “No. “You’re the one scared of love. “What do I mean? “Do I have to spell this out to you? “Because you’re broken, that’s why. “It’s not my job, Ian, to pick up the pieces and put you back together again.” So are you hooked? Do you want to find out how Ian responds?
[chuckles] Definitely. Definitely.
I think the audience will too. You know, did you read that scene between the mother and son and the– yeah, in the visiting room in the jail?
Yeah, yeah.
That was heartbreaking.
So did you happen to see Leo’s story pitches that were attached?
I did. I mean, there’s so much intriguing material there. I really like the idea of giving Charlemagne double lives. I mean, I think that’s gonna play right into Hattie’s wheelhouse.
[dramatic music]
Well, Hattie, I’m actually glad I ran into you, because from what I understand, you and I are gonna be working together.
Oh?
Yeah, on “Body & Soul.”
Oh. Oh, what part do you play?
[gasps] Are you my love interest?
No, I’m the director.
Oh, the director. Oh, good, good. There are a few things you can help me with.
Yeah, sure. What, are you having trouble understanding your motivation?
No. No. I just think the character doesn’t, you know, sound like me.
[chuckles] Right. Well, I mean, how do you want it to sound? I mean, you got to remember, you’re not playing Hattie. You’re playing Charlemagne.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but look, the writer just doesn’t know Charlemagne, I mean, the way that I know her.
Right, well, with all due respect, Hattie, it is my personal philosophy that actors and directors are not in the business of revising scripts. Only a writer should do that.
Right.
[gasps] Right you are. Yeah. This dog’s been barking up the wrong tree.
[light music]
“As those suffering from DID are dealing with a form of post-traumatic stress disorder”–that’s PTSD– “they are often hypervigilant and easily startled.”
[dramatic music] You know what this means, Leo? When confronting Dr. Evans about her split personality, you have got to be cool, calm, collected. How the hell am I gonna find the inner resources to pull that off? I know. Some old-school Katy Perry will help. Hmm, not the one about kissing girls. Ooh, maybe the one about the fireworks.
[knock at door] Oh, I don’t need the room cleaned. Thank you.
[knock at door] Ay, what is it now?
[sighs]
Oh, hello. I wasn’t expecting you.
I know. I should have called. But the thing is, I really need your help.
Damn right, you do.
[quirky music]
[sighs]
[sniffs] Ooh, ooh, ooh. This place smells like a farmhouse.
Oh, it’s a scented candle that may have expired a couple years ago.
Yeah, well, that might explain it. Anyway, did you get the job?
At that new Pilates studio? No, they told me that I was too much of an–and I quote– oversharer to work at the front desk.
Oh, no, no, not that job, the writing job on “Body & Soul.”
Oh, oh, I’m still waiting to hear back, but fingers crossed, although I am tempering my expectations, which is why I’m applying for all these other jobs.
Well, it’s good to have a backup. Speaking of backups, I have one for you. You can get busy rewriting this script for me.
OK, look, while I love, love, love this whole “go fetch me my coffee” diva thing you’ve got going on, bad dialogue is the least of your problems.
[quirky music]
What does that mean?
It means I know what’s wrong with you.
You know what’s wrong with me? Like–oh, like I’m a people-pleaser. Or like I’m hungry for the love of a good man.
No, look, I hear you on all that, believe me. But your problem is that you have DID.
Ooh, I do?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no. What is that, some kind of a venereal disease?
No, no, no. DID stands for dissociative identity disorder. You’re like Sybil.
[gasps] Cybill Shepherd? Oh, thank for the compliment. She’s so beautiful. I loved her on “Moonlighting.”
No, not Cybill Shepherd, although I do adore her too. I’m talking about the s made-for-TV movie starring the always wonderful Sally Field.
Sally Field. I love her so much. She’s so good.
I do too. But no. OK, Leo, for the love of a young and sweaty Marlon Brando, focus!
[breathes sharply]
OK, focus. Foc–focus on what?
On–on–
Oh, come on. You’re so close. You can just spit it out.
I’m trying to help you, Dr. Evans!
[dramatic music]
I am not Dr. Evans.
[sighs] – You’re saying that this Hattie woman looks just like your grandmother.
Like, spitting image, like, eerily looks like her, yes.
OK, what about her personality? Do they have the same laugh?
No, no, really different, actually, like, complete opposites, except for looks.
Opposites? In what way?
Hattie’s a little… out there.
[chuckles] OK, so, like, good out there or…
Let’s just say working with her will be a wild ride, I’m sure.
[laughs] Well, you can handle it.
Yeah, let’s hope so.
You know what? I have to admit that I am a little bit envious. I mean, I wouldn’t mind having a job that was a little bit more unpredictable and exciting.
Are you saying you’re bored with Sweet Bits?
No, no, not at all. It’s just that, you know, I hired all those new staff and, you know, including Felicity Greene, who bikes over after school. And, well, the bakery’s pretty much running itself now.
So what you’re saying is, you just have all this free time on your hands now.
Yeah. Yeah, that is what I’m saying. And, you know, I kind of thought that I would be spending that free time with you, Gio. But now you’re gonna be so busy with “Body & Soul,” and, well–
[sighs]
You know, there was another story I really liked too.
Oh, what’s that?
The star-crossed lovers, Arrow and Faith. I mean, I really think that Leo handled their dilemma with quite a bit of nuance.
I agree. I agree. But, you know, I am worried about all the new faces.
Yeah, well, those two, though, would be connected to existing families. But also, Abe, we need young characters. We need sexy characters.
Yeah, I get that. I get that. But these two were born eight years ago.
[chuckles] I mean, and now they’re full-grown adults. That’s an extreme case of SORAS’ing.
SORAS’ing?
Soap Opera Rapid Aging Syndrome.
[laughter]
What?
Imagine– imagine that your son Philip was born in . And in , he becomes a teenage boy.
Well, that would be kind of bizarre.
[chuckles] Yeah.
I mean, are you telling me the audience really accepts this?
Yeah. Yeah, they do, as long as you give them a good story and cast an appealing actor.
Well, we have a damn good story. Now all we have to do is find two appealing young people to make it work.
What’s going on is that I just accidentally spilled water all over Stephanie’s laptop, and now–
Now it’s not working.
And again, Stephanie, I am really sorry. I know she worked really hard on this proposal, and it’s gone.
You didn’t save it to the cloud?
Unfortunately, I did not.
[chuckles nervously] But I do have to go to my meeting now, and I will pitch my proposal without notes. But don’t feel guilty, Alex. It was an accident. And I’m sure I can get my laptop fixed.
[sighs] Steph, I’m sorry.
No, no, it’s fine. Bye, Justin, Bonnie.
Bye, Stephanie.
Sorry about your computer, sweetheart.
Thanks.
God, I feel awful, man. I know how hard she worked on that proposal, and my clumsy ass just screwed it all up.
I happen to have something that might just lift your spirits.
[sighs]
[light piano music]
So does this mean what I think it means, that my marriage to Theresa is officially annulled?
It’s like it never happened.
[exhales heavily] Thank you, God. It’s got to be some kind of a record. We were married for a whole minutes before the whole thing imploded.
Now you can put that nightmare behind you, Alex.
And then maybe get back together with Stephanie.
[clears throat]
[light piano music]
Hey.
Hi, Stephanie.
Kate, hi. I’m not late for our meeting, am I?
No, no, not at all. I just have to do an errand. But Abe is going to interview you on his own.
Oh, OK.
See you later.
Bye-bye. Well, glad to see you. Welcome.
Abe, thank you. Thank you. And, Abe, I’m sorry. I had this whole presentation ready to go. And long story short, my laptop froze. But I think I can remember most of my pitch from memory.
Well, that won’t be necessary.
What? I don’t–
This is just a formality. I know firsthand what you can do from your work with Paulina. So the job is yours if you want it.
Wow, Abe, thank you. Thank you. And I know that this won’t be a walk in the park, promoting the relaunch of “Body & Soul,” but I am more than willing to devote all of my time and energy to it.
Well, welcome to the team.
[chuckles]
[dramatic music]
[light music]
Yeah, I guess our timing’s a little off. You know, you used to be the one that was always too busy, and now it looks like we’ve switched roles.
Yeah, but, babe, I know that we are still going to find time to be together. And who knows? Maybe with you pursuing your dream, it will encourage me to pursue mine.
But I thought your dream was to open up the bakery.
No, it was, and I do love the bakery.
OK, so, what, do you want to– you want to open up some more locations?
No, no. Well, not now, at least. I don’t know, I’m thinking that maybe I want to find another creative outlet. I just don’t know what that is yet.
OK, well, what about– what about that yoga teacher training?
In Costa Rica?
Yeah, well, maybe we could find one that’s a little closer. Or that poetry class.
Mm, I don’t know.
Chanel, I have read your poetry. It’s amazing, OK? Plus, it could be a great opportunity to meet other writers, other poets. I mean, who knows? Maybe you could even publish a coffee-table book.
That we both know you would just use as a coaster?
If you were the writer of them, I don’t think so. I wouldn’t dream of it.
Uh-huh.
I got to get to work. Bye.
Thank you, Johnny, for making time and stopping by to say hi.
I will always make time for you.
I love you, Gio.
I love you too.
[sighs]
OK, OK, I know you’re not Dr. Evans, at least not at the moment. But she’s in there with a crowbar and a headlamp, just trying to fight her way out.
What are you saying? I ate her?
No, you didn’t eat her. She is you. You’re her.
I am Hattie.
Hattie is one of your alters.
Alters? What are you talking about?
Alternate personalities. Hattie is the part of you that likes to chew with her mouth open and yell at poor, overworked cashiers about expired coupons. I mean, look at your trashy wardrobe.
Hey, there’s nothing wrong with my wardrobe. And I’ll have you know that I am my own person.
See, that’s exactly what an alter would say.
Hey, what are you saying? Come on, you’re not a psychiatrist.
No, but I did read this book on alternate personalities. And I even wrote little notes in the margins, so I’m basically an expert in the subject.
I don’t think that makes you an expert, Lenny.
It’s Leo, also known as Lady Whistleblower.
Oh, now who has an alter?
OK, that’s enough. Enough. Dr. Evans, are you in there? It’s me, Leo!
Ow, my ears.
Dr. Evans, come on! Walk, no, run to the light! You have got to come back to me!
You’re too loud. You’re too loud. Stop shaking me.
Come on, Dr. Evans!
Oh, well, I cannot wait to start getting the word out that “Body & Soul” is back, baby.
And better than ever.
[chuckles]
Definitely. Mm. Oh, wait a second. Is that–
Hattie Adams.
Oh, right. OK, that makes a lot more sense. For a second there, I thought that Marlena had been bitten by the old acting bug.
Ah, no. I tried to recruit her, but she turned me down.
Oh. Well, I would imagine that she’s very busy with her practice.
Mm, mm.
Mm. But Bonnie’s on the show, yeah?
Yes, yes, she is.
And I’m guessing she might need some guidance when it comes to talking to the press.
Hattie too. They both tend to say the fir– anything, anything that comes into their mind.
[dramatic music]
Uh-oh. Did I just put my foot in it again, as usual?
No, no, you didn’t. It’s just that Stephanie and I are just friends.
Yeah, but you guys used to be an item, right?
Bonnie.
What? The way the situation looked when we walked in here? You guys were throwing off some major sparks.
That’s, yeah, probably from her laptop short-circuiting when I threw water all over it.
Oh, come on. The way you two were looking at each other, you guys had some awesome chemistry going.
Ah.
Don’t you agree, honey?
I am staying out of my son’s love life, and so should you.
All’s I’m saying is, it wouldn’t hurt to give it another shot. I mean, why not?
There are reasons.
What, because you turned her phone off that one time and she missed her mom’s death? Well, news flash. Kayla’s still alive. No harm, no foul. Come on.
My God. It’s not happening, Bonnie. I’m telling you, end of story. Period. Stephanie and I, we both got out of relationships that ended really badly. So trust me when I tell you neither of us is ready for something new. – I’m really looking forward to working with you, Abe and Kate.
Oh, that’s wonderful. Thank you, and come back soon.
Mm, will do.
[laughter]
Hey, cuz.
Johnny, hi.
Hi, what’re you– what are you doing here?
Stephanie is “Body & Soul’s” new publicist.
Mm-hmm.
OK.
And Johnny is our director.
Congratulations. I know you’ve always wanted to direct. This is amazing.
Oh, thank you. Congratulations to you too.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, well, I’ll see you.
OK. I’ll see you later, Steph.
Yeah, take care of yourself, now.
You know, I– I met our star, Hattie.
And what did you think?
I think that she is– she’s interesting, mm-hmm.
[laughter]
Well, I have to tell you, to be honest, Hattie can be a handful. But she’s also very green.
Yeah, well, so was Bonnie, and look at her. She knocked her audition out of the park.
Yeah, yeah. But Hattie could benefit from your– your direction as well.
Well, I’ll see what I can do. And honestly, I’m optimistic. I mean, from what I saw of her, she certainly has a flair for the dramatic.
Man, oh, man. What was all that about? You nearly made me toss up my hot fudge sundae with extra marshmallows on the top.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I thought that if I shook you hard enough– Hattie, you have got to let me talk to Dr. Evans.
OK, pick up the phone and call her.
[quirky music]
Wait. If I pick up the phone and call her, do you– I skipped over chapter . It seemed important, but the text was just so dry.
[scoffs] I’m wasting my time. I’m leaving.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Listen, listen. This is just like what happened with my former boss, Everett Lynch, and I don’t want you to end up like him– you know, dead.
Hey, I don’t have any disease. And by the way, I don’t need help. You’re the one who needs some help.
OK, you know what? You have left me no choice. I’m doing a–I don’t know what you call it, a ? Hattie, I am taking you to Bayview.
Wait, what are you talking about?
This is for your own good. Come on.
No, no, let go of me. Let go of me.
Whoa, what the hell is happening here?
Kate, I’m so glad you’re here. He’s trying to have me committed.
I am trying to help you. See, Dr. Evans has a split personality. She thinks she’s somebody called Hattie.
Leo, Hattie is not Marlena’s alter. That’s her doppelganger.
All’s I’m saying is, look at the bigger picture. I mean, if there’s something between you two–
There isn’t. I should get home.
No, wait. Look, I’m sorry, OK? If I’m being a little pushy, it’s just… honey, with everything you’ve been through, I just want to see you happy.
Thank you, Bonnie. I will be fine.
[sighs]
Bye.
Bye.
See you, Dad.
Bye-bye.
[chuckles]
[phone beeps] Ooh. I buzzed.
[gasps] Oh, I got my contract from “Body & Soul.” It’s official.
[laughs]
Congratulations.
I’m so excited.
[laughs]
Abe said you were fantastic, a natural.
I did feel really good about my audition, that is, after Johnny’s direction, of course. Oh, and they want to… pay me scale.
That’s the minimum.
Oh. Oh, fine by me, as long as I get the job, you know. You know what? I am gonna eSign this right now, before they change their minds.
Bonnie, stop. Don’t do it. Big mistake.
[light piano music]
[gasps] Hey, Uncle Roman.
Hey, Niece.
Hey.
[laughs]
Hey, so in case you haven’t heard, guess who just signed on to be the publicist of– drumroll, please– your fabulous wife’s TV show?
I did not hear that, but that is great. Congratulations, Steph. Abe and Kate made a very wise decision.
Yeah, thank you.
I got to admit, though, I’ve never been much of a soap guy, but, you know, my wife, my best friend, my grandson, and now my niece involved– I guess I better start tuning in, huh?
Oh, you’re gonna get addicted like that.
That’s what Katie keeps telling me. She’s pretty excited about all this. But to be honest, I’m not sure she knows what she’s getting herself into.
Hmm. What do you mean?
Well, she did work in the corporate world for a lot of years, and that’s pretty cutthroat. But I got a feeling this showbiz is… just a whole new level of crazy.
[laughs]
[quirky music]
I don’t believe it. You look and sound exactly like Marlena.
Jeez, like I haven’t heard that a gazillion times.
I mean, you don’t have the poise or the erudition. But still, how is this possible?
Well, she did have some help from a certain Dr. Rolf.
[gasps] Quit giving away my trade secrets. Jeez!
Wow, and this whole time, I thought I was talking to Marlena. Wait a second. Why did you accept my invitation to watch “Drag Race”? Didn’t you think it was, I don’t know, a little odd sharing a blanket with a stranger while watching a bunch of lip-synching drag queens?
I thought you were just being friendly. And you know what? I also thought you seemed a little bit lonely, which the surgeon general says is a real health hazard, and also because, well, I’m pretty popular with the gays.
Well, I do get that, since you are needy as hell in a ditzy kind of way. No wonder Marlena was so bewildered when I talked about you to her, thinking I was talking about her. She must have thought I was mad as a hatter. See, that’s an old expression that comes from a time when hatmakers used to spray mercury on–
No, I know the expression.
OK, well, I’m really sorry about the misunderstanding. And I’m really sorry I tried to have you committed.
Oh, thanks. Apology accepted.
OK, good.
I’m just glad to know that you think I’m completely sane.
Relatively speaking.
I love all these storylines. I think they’re great. I particularly like this one about the young couple.
Yeah. Kate and I were just discussing that.
[clears throat] “What can be said about Arrow and Faith “that isn’t implied in every stolen glance, “every piece of hurled china across the room? “These two are like fire and ice, oil and water. “They have a way of pushing each other’s buttons, “bickering, slamming doors. “But what’s it all for? “If only they could see what is plain to everyone else, “that they are meant to be together, “that the sexual chemistry between them is off the charts. “So the question is, when will these two stop swimming upstream and surrender to destiny?”
[chuckles]
This is great. It’s exactly what we need.
Mm. Now we just have to find the right actor for the part.
Yeah. You know what? I actually think I might know someone who would be perfect for the role of Faith.
Who?
Chanel Dupree.
Chanel? As in my stepdaughter, Chanel?
Yeah. I mean, why not? When she auditioned for the role of Celeste, she killed it. I mean, you know, it was for the movie about my grandma that, of course, ended up not getting made. But still, I mean, she did an amazing job.
What about the bakery?
Well, it’s funny you mention that. I was just talking to her about the bakery, and she said that with all the new help she’s hired, she’s got all this new free time and that she’s looking for a new creative outlet.
Hmm. Yeah. You know, I can see Chanel doing that part.
Yeah, me too. Now we just need to find a leading man that she’s got chemistry with.
[light music]
Hey, stranger.
Alex. Hi, long time, no see. How are you?
Better than ever, just got my annulment papers. I am officially single.
[chuckles] Well, you must be relieved. I heard about Theresa Donovan and how she deceived you. I’m really sorry. You must–that must have been rough.
Yeah, she definitely took me for a ride, letting me think that I was the Kiriakis heir and that she was madly in love with me. But, you know, I can’t completely blame her, because I knew part of me always knew I couldn’t really trust her, and I just ignored my gut.
Mm, sounds like you listened to another part of your anatomy, as usual.
What do you mean by that?
Oh, nothing. Forget it.
No, no, please. You always speak your mind, Chanel. Go ahead. Share with the class.
[sighs]
Look, I didn’t mean to offend you. It’s just that you seem to be driven by your hormones, and that causes you to make questionable decisions.
Oh, OK, Dr. Freud. Well, do you care to elaborate, maybe with an example, like–
Like sleeping with my girlfriend?
[sighs]
What are you talking about? Why don’t you think I should sign it? Look, I know you’ve never acted before, but you obviously have talent. And you should be rewarded. This is their very first offer, so let me try and negotiate a better deal.
You’d do that for me?
Of course. You’re my wife. I’d do anything for you.
Honey, I was a little nervous about what you would think about me acting on this show. I kind of thought you would think it was silly.
Are you kidding? Sweetheart, I’m so proud of you.
Really?
Of course. I just hope that I get to be your plus-one when they call your name at the Daytime Emmys.
Oh, honey, you will always and forever be my plus-one. I love you.
Mm.
Mm.
No, no, no, no. I’m fine, Dr. Evans. There’s no emergency after all. See, there was this enormous spider in my bathroom this morning, and I panicked. You know how my anxiety can take over. Anyway, I got some peppermint oil, and he cashed in his chips. OK, great. Are we still on for “Drag Race” tomorrow? OK, it’s a date. Hoo.
An enormous spider?
There really was a spider in my bathroom this morning, although he crawled into an open bottle of mouthwash before I got the peppermint oil. Anyway, I really hate lying to my shrink, but it’s better than having her think that I’m ready to be committed, because I have two eyes and two ears, and the two of you look and sound exactly the same.
OK, OK. Before I get off this crazy train, I just wanted to tell you, Leo Stark, that you are the new head writer of “Body & Soul.”
[gasps] I’m sorry. Can you say that again?
You are the new head writer of “Body & Soul.”
Oh, my God. Wait, wait, hold on a second. This isn’t some sort of prank, is it?
No, no prank. You’ll be getting your contract later by email. Congratulations, Leo.
[gasping]
[soft music] Leo Stark, the head writer of a television show.
[laughs]
I am so, so, so, so happy for you. Ooh, I’m so happy for you. Now you can get busy fixing my script.
I wouldn’t worry, Uncle Roman. I’m sure your wife is more than capable of handling her own in television or any other field.
Good point. Fair warning, though. She can be a very tough boss.
I can handle it.
I bet you can.
[chuckles] And now on a more serious note, I just want to say this, Steph. I heard about Everett, and I’m very sorry.
Thanks.
How are you doing?
It’s been hard, obviously. And now that his case is closed, Jada is going to release his ashes to me.
He didn’t have any family?
[sighs] None that they could locate. And since he and Jada were divorced, she felt that it was best that I get his ashes. So it’s also up to me to make sure that Everett is laid to rest.
Right. And after that, I hope that both you and Jada can find some peace and that you can put this terrible tragedy behind you and move on.
[somber music]
Wow. Still holding a grudge against me for sleeping with Allie, huh?
I mean, you did hook up with her while she and I were still in a relationship.
Chanel, come on. Allie and I were wasted. The two of you were on the outs. And I don’t see why this matters anymore. You’re happily married, right?
I am. Yes.
Yeah, happily?
Yes.
Then why are you making such a big deal out of this?
Because it is a big deal. You slept with my girlfriend, Alex.
OK.
That’s not OK.
And as I just said, you two were on the outs. And the time before that, not like it happened out of the blue, the three of us had had sex, as you may recall.
OK, yes, I recall. But that was completely different.
Oh, yeah. How was that different?
Because Allie and I were trying something together to improve our relationship.
To improve–
[laughs] Give me a break.
What? It’s true. That didn’t have anything to do with you.
I beg to differ, because the two of you were all over me that night.
[laughs] Boy, please. You were like a nonentity.
A nonentity? Really? I remember playing quite a big role.
Oh, and I remember it not being very big at all.
Oh, now, we both know that ain’t true.
Oh, oh, do we?
Mm. Why are you being so petty?
And why are you being such a damn–
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, go ahead, finish.
No, what’s going on over here?
Noth–nothing.
Really? It didn’t seem like nothing. We could hear the two of you going at it across the square. And the tension between you two is off the charts.
[quirky music]
It’s exactly what I was thinking.
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