Days of Our Lives Transcript
Transcript provided by Suzanne and Thane
THIS STILL NEEDS EXTENSIVE EDITING!
There you are. You ready?
Yeah. Alex, thank you again for offering to drive me to work. I am a nervous wreck right now.
Why? What’s up?
I got this text from Abe before taping. He wants to have a word, so.
A word. About what?
I don’t know. But I’m afraid that he’s going to fire me for hooking up with Johnny.
[Alex sighs]
[knock at door]
Knock, knock.
[Johnny sighs]
You busy?
Uh, no, Bonnie. What’s up? I’m just blocking some scenes for today.
Oh, um, look, I don’t mean to be a pain or anything, but would you mind if I cut one line? I mean, it’s where Kassandra calls Regan a “mendacious little bitch.”
And what, you don’t want to call another woman a bitch, I take it?
Oh, I have no problem with that. I just don’t understand what mendacious means, and I don’t really like the sound of it.
Yeah, mendacious. It’s like–
[chuckles] You know what? I don’t care, cut it.
Are you sure? I mean, I know we’re not supposed to make any changes last-minute and everything, so.
Yeah, I just don’t really care about losing a line right now. I just lost the love of my life, so.
[Johnny sighs]
[somber music]
Hey, Mama.
Oh, look. Oh, there’s my gorgeous baby girl.
[laughs] How was the bakery?
It was good. I pretty much spent most of the day revamping the menu. We had all these requests to bring back these banana bread scones, and then I’m adding some Nutella crepes, and then probably some savory ones, too.
Mm-hmm. I see. You’ve really thrown yourself back into the bakery.
Yeah, it is my main priority now that I quit “Body & Soul.”
Chanel, um, about that.
About what?
[suspenseful music]
Maybe I could talk you into un-quitting?
[Chanel sighs]
Hello?
Kate, I’ve been trying to reach you. Look, apparently, Leo has identified this Lady Whistleblower.
Really? Oh, please tell me that after all this work, it really isn’t Hattie.
No, no, it’s not. It’s Rafe and Gabi’s cousin, Javier Hernandez.
[suspenseful music]
[smooches] This was definitely worth waiting for.
[door opens]
[dramatic music]
Leo, what the hell are you doing here?
I have come to expose Lady Whistleblower once and for all.
Leo, have you lost your mind? You need to leave now.
Yeah, you can’t just come waltzing into someone’s home. It’s trespassing. I’m going to call the police.
Oh, please do. Put it on speaker. I’d like to give them an earful myself.
Come on, Leo. I thought we made peace.
We did.
So then why are you being this way? Why do you still think I’m Lady Whistleblower?
I don’t. I think he is.
[soft orchestration]
announcer: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the “Days of Our Lives.”
OK, well, thanks for the intel, Abe. And let me know if you hear anything more from Leo. OK.
[phone beeps] Uh, what’s with the getup?
I am exercising maximum discretion. I–I thought you might want to keep my big comeback kind of hush-hush.
Ha. OK, Norma Desmond. Look, um, before we bring you–
[sighs] Charlemagne back from the dead, we need to get a few things straight.
Like what?
Well, for starters, Abe and I are not going to put up with any of your diva antics this time around.
[shouting] Diva? Me?
I’m serious. You need to be on your best behavior. No more locking horns with Bonnie.
[soft suspenseful music]
I take it Chanel was none too pleased with your hookup with Joy Wesley?
Heard about that, huh?
Eh, word does get around on set. Between you and me, Seth Burns is quite the gossip queen.
Oh, I’m aware. If Seth had just kept his mouth shut about seeing Alex and who he thought was Chanel in bed, my marriage wouldn’t be in shambles right now. Yeah, I don’t know. You know the old saying. If you point a finger, three more are pointed back at you. Meaning that I really only have myself to blame.
Ah.
Just let my jealousy get the better of me.
I get you. I know what it’s like when lust and desire grab the wheel. It’s how I got three kids.
[chuckles softly] I just hope you–
[sighs] Mm-mm.
What? What?
I just hope you and Joy used protection.
Oh. Um, no, no. It never actually– it didn’t come to that.
Didn’t?
[chuckles] So why is Chanel so upset?
Because I betrayed her trust. I lied to her and then I told another lie to cover up that lie. Especially when Joy started working here.
Right, right, right. Wel–
[chuckles] I just hope there are no gloves-off cat fights between Chanel and Joy.
There won’t be.
Are you sure about that? Because Nancy told me her daughter was a real spitfire.
Yeah, I mean, there won’t be because Chanel quit.
[somber music]
OK, look, I hate to leave Abe in a lurch. But like I told him, I cannot work with Johnny and Joy. Seeing them at work every day, that wouldn’t be good for me. That’s like the opposite of self-care.
All right, I understand. Believe me, I do. I do. It’s just, you know, for Abraham’s sake, I had to give it a shot.
I know, I get it.
Well, I guess, you know, Abraham, he’s just going to have to go back to plan A.
[suspenseful music]
What’s plan A?
Oh, God, he’s right there.
Joy, come on. I really don’t think Abe is going to fire you.
Why wouldn’t he? I destroyed Chanel’s marriage, Alex. You don’t think he wants justice for her? Oh, God, OK, he’s coming over. He’s coming over.
Relax. It’s OK.
Hi, Abe. You wanted to see me?
Yes. Yes, I did. It’s something important I want to discuss with you and, uh, and with Alex.
It’s about the two of you hooking up.
OK, this is beyond extra, Leo. You need to turn around and march your ass out of here.
No. No, no. You are not going to lecture me about what is and isn’t extra. Not before I expose you for who you really are: an evil queen with a penchant for duplicity, terrible hot takes, not to mention you are an awful speller. The word millennium? Two L’s, two N’s. Not one L, two N’s. Also, why are you using the word millennium? I haven’t thought about that word since I had frosted tips and wore a choker.
I have no idea what he’s talking about. What are you talking about, insane person?
I am a lot of things, but I am not insane.
OK, let’s take a pause here, shall we? Leo, you really think that Kerry is Lady Whistleblower?
No, I don’t think she is. I know she is.
Kate, listen. You’ve got nothing to worry about because Bonnie and I have kissed and made up. In fact, she was the one who asked Leo to bring me back to the show.
Mm-hmm. Well, I am well aware of that. But you see, the last time you worked together, things got, mm, rather competitive. And that’s not going to happen this time. No whining about who has better lines or more lines or a fancier wardrobe or a better parking space.
OK, OK, OK. That’s fine. Could I have my own chauffeur?
[scoffs] I’m just kidding. Come on, no, I’m–I’m–I’m glad to drive myself.
OK.
[soft dramatic music] Then sign this.
[Hattie gasps]
Wait, this–this just says it’s a 13-week contract. And I’m working for scale?
[Kate clears throat] Wait a minute, this is– this is just–
This is nothing like your last contract? Huh. Well, you know the funny thing, there was one time that I missed a fabulous, fabulous sale at Saxton’s. But you know what? Time marched on. So I think that you should think of this as a probation period.
Kate. I mean, this doesn’t seem fair.
That’s exactly what this is, fair. You have the same deal as Bonnie. So take it or leave it.
Chanel quit? Well, that sucks. I mean, Faith and Arrow are the most popular couple on the show!
Well, we still have Arrow. I’m sure Leo can write him a new love interest.
Well, what about Faith? How’s he going to just–
[chuckles and snorts]
Write her off?
Yeah.
I was actually just blocking those scenes right now.
Well, you got to tell me what happens. I mean, I know Faith just found out that Regan is pregnant with Arrow’s baby. I mean, what’s she going to do, dump his ass, skip town? What?
[somber music]
What? They’re killing my character?
Chanel, baby, what else do you expect them to do?
[sighs] God, poor Faith. I feel so bad for her. It’s like I’m letting her down.
Well, maybe there’s a way to do right by her.
How?
Would you be willing to at least go back and shoot the exit scene? I mean, maybe–maybe it could give you some closure. Plus, Abraham and Kate, they are allowing you to break your contract. This might be a nice way to thank them.
[Chanel sighs]
[soft dramatic music]
I suppose you’re right.
[Chanel inhales deeply] OK. I’ll do it.
Mm!
Sorry, do you have a problem with me and Alex hooking up?
Well, actually, I… I think it could be kind of hot.
[Joy and Alex chuckle] You know, given time, I believe that our fans will agree.
[Alex laughs]
Wait, wait, wait. What are you talking about?
Am I not making myself clear? Arrow and Regan are going to be a couple.
Oh.
Wait, so I’m not getting fired?
No, of course not. Of course not. You know, I– look, I’m not happy about how you and Johnny hurt Chanel.
[soft dramatic music] But we have to move past that. And since Chanel did quit, the show must go on.
[chuckles] Yeah.
Right.
Of course. I mean.
Yeah.
So are you two on board?
Sure.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Of course. I mean, obviously, since we have chemistry in real life, you know, maybe that’ll show up on screen.
Yeah.
Chemistry. Wait, wait, wait a second here. Are you two hooking up for real?
[suspenseful music]
[scoffs] Oh my God. This is, like, crazy-making, like, beyond the pale. I mean, first this lunatic accuses you of being Lady Whistleblower and now he’s trying to pin it on me? You know he’s only doing this because he’s jealous of our relationship, right?
That’s not true. Well, I am jealous of the relationship, but that’s a separate issue.
Well, if it’s a separate issue, then where is this coming from?
[sighs] Just hear me out, OK? I recently learned that Lady Whistleblower is getting paid through a bank account located in, wait for it… Rochester, New York.
[Kerry sighs]
That’s where you’re from.
Born and raised, right, Kerry? Anyway, I started to connect the dots when I saw the back of that sweatshirt. May as well have dipped his quill in an inkwell and signed a confession.
Seriously? Leo, that’s what you’re basing this off of, a sweatshirt? So I suppose anyone with a Dodgers cap is from Los Angeles?
See, that is exactly why Dr. Evans said, Leo, you have wonderful intuition, but you need solid proof. Which is why I suggested we all get lunch.
[scoffs] Oh, so now you have solid proof because, what, we all shared a spinach artichoke dip?
Which was disgusting, by the way. It was lumpy and watery. I’m surprised we all didn’t get food poisoning. Which–
[clears throat] Is besides the point. The point being, if you remember at that lunch, I told you that I had pitched my producers a devil possession story line. Remember?
Yeah.
No.
Kerry, I think you do remember. But what you don’t know is that that was a bold-faced lie. I made that story up on the spot right then and there. No one else had heard that pitch. And yet, somehow that entire pitch down to the last, minute detail made its way into Lady Whistleblower’s column.
[suspenseful music] I set a trap, and this scheming bitch walked right into it.
Um, I’m sorry, Abe. I thought you knew about Joy and me.
Right, and we know that you and Kate told Alex that he and Stephanie couldn’t see each other anymore just because of–you know?
Yeah, so that was a different situation.
Because of the, like, power imbalance between Stephanie and me?
Exactly.
OK.
Whereas the two of you are– you’re on an even playing field, so I don’t see that as a problem.
Oh. OK.
[Joy chuckles]
Just so I’m clear, what exactly is the status of your relationship?
[suspenseful music]
How dare she. That harlot bought two plane tickets, first-class to London Heathrow, and she took my husband with her.
Guess who’s back?
It’s official?
It is. I just signed on the dotted line!
[both cheering]
Well, that is quite a lovefest.
Well, two of us are thick as thieves, like Oprah and Gayle.
Or Thelma and Louise.
Didn’t they go off a cliff together?
Did they?
OK, actually, ladies, I really don’t care if you’re truly friends or not. What’s important is that you get along.
[Hattie chuckles] So here you go.
Oh. What’s this?
These are upcoming scripts for Kassandra and Charlemagne. We’re going to do a rehearsal and see how it goes.
[both giggle]
Oh, um–
Alex and I–
Uh… sounds like you two have a lot to discuss. Just keep Kate and me in the loop once you figure things out.
Of course, yeah.
OK, yeah.
OK, great.
Thanks, Abe.
Mm-hmm.
Well, that was–
Awkward.
In so many ways. But hey, I still have my job.
Right. See? Nothing to worry about. But, you know, maybe we should have a little talk about where we stand.
Right, yeah. Yeah, no, I, um– I just–I didn’t want to put any pressure on you. I know you’re just getting out of this thing with Stephanie.
Well, yeah, but she’s with my cousin Philip now. They’re seeing each other, which clearly means she’s moving on. I think it’s about time I do the same.
Great. And I’m definitely single.
Well, that makes both of us.
[chuckles] Not necessarily a reason to get involved.
No, but I do really like spending time with you.
I feel the same way.
Good. Then maybe the answer we give Abe is that it’s complicated.
[Joy chuckles softly]
[soft dramatic music]
You can say that again.
[tense music]
[Alex clears throat]
Are you really Lady Whistleblower? Because if you are–
No. No, no, no.
Kerry, you were the only person at that table besides Javi and Dr. Evans.
So what? Lady Whistleblower could have been in the square eavesdropping. You know, it doesn’t take a former KGB agent to listen in on a conversation.
OK, maybe that isn’t definitive proof. But you know what is? I have a voicemail from your cousin Rafe telling me he has surveillance footage of Kerry breaking into my room and helping himself to all the long story off my computer.
That’s impossible because I erased the video, man. How could it be–
Oopsie. Were you about to ask me how he got the footage? He didn’t. But I may as well just start calling you baby grand piano, ’cause you just got played.
I’m just so sorry I couldn’t get Chanel to change her mind about quitting.
It’s OK. You know, as important as she is to the show, the last thing I would want is for her to be unhappy.
Me, too. And while I’m glad I convinced her to tape her last scenes, ooh, I can only imagine what it’s like on that set right now. I bet you’ll be able to cut the tension with a knife.
Chanel, what are you doing here? I thought that you–
Quit? Yeah, I did. I’m just here to tape Faith’s final scenes.
Listen, uh… I’m really glad you agreed to come.
Yeah, well, just FYI, I’m doing this for Abe. That’s the only reason. And I’m just grateful that he’s letting me out of my contract.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.
So tell me, how do I die? Because I know you’re killing my character off.
Yeah. Um, well, honestly, Leo didn’t have a lot of time to figure it out, so he’s kind of repeating himself.
Repeating himself. What does that mean?
It means you’re going out the same way Charlemagne did.
[somber music]
For the purpose of the scene, we’re going to pretend you’re in a morgue.
What? A morgue? Am I dead?
No, seemingly. Seemingly. So I want you to lie down, cover yourself up with this sheet.
Wait a minute, Leo said that my big return was going to be when I crashed Kassandra’s wedding.
Yes, it will be. But this is a newly created flashback to explain why your character survived, Hattie.
Oh. Well, that makes sense. Does that make sense to you?
Just go with it. I mean, we can just–
I mean, she does this all the time.
I know. But just try it. Try it, try it.
OK, fine.
OK, OK.
OK, so do you want me eyes open or eyes closed dead?
OK, so you’re under a sheet. Does it really matter?
No, that’s a good point.
Why don’t I–
Thank you. Take that, and then I’ll just–
[Hattie exhales deeply] As unaccustomed as I am to playing a corpse, I’ll just have to– I can’t even make the–
It’s OK.
Is there a place there for it? OK, is that good?
This is clean, right?
Yeah. Yeah, OK. OK, fine.
[exhales deeply]
And, action.
[somber music]
Oh, Charlemagne, the terrible irony. Here I thought I was dying, but you’re the one who’s dead. Hmm. I can’t imagine rigor mortis is that interesting. But probably more interesting than my first marriage. Charlemagne, all those years and the animus between us. You and I finally called a truce, but it was all so short-lived.
[chuckles] Because you happened to take a plummet down that elevator shaft. But fear not, my dear friend, my rival, my frenemy, I will honor your memory by looking after those whom you loved. Most especially Rhett.
Over my undead body!
I’m sorry, Kate, is that in the script?
No. No, it’s not. What the hell are you doing, Hattie?
[tense music]
I knew it. I knew you had to have gotten into my room at some point because that is the only place I leave my computer unattended. So tell me, how many times did you break into my room?
Just once. I put spyware on your computer. Everything you did on that laptop, I could see it.
Everything?
Everything, you little perv.
Kerry, I can’t believe this. You were the one that’s been badmouthing Leo? Why the hell would you do that?
I’ll tell you why. Because he deserves it.
Huh? What did I ever do to you?
You made a fool of me, that’s what. I was a big fan of your column, and you used that to lure me up to your room.
That was your idea.
Still, you made me think you were all hot for me and then just left me hanging.
No, I told you that I was emotionally unavailable at the time, and you said you understood.
Well, I didn’t. You totally humiliated me.
That is no excuse for breaking into my room and stealing my intellectual property!
[scoffs] Give me a break. None of that sloppy writing is considered intellectual.
Oh, how dare you.
Face it, Leo, you’re a hack.
I’m a hack, says the brilliant Kerry here, whose editorial instincts rival that of a six-year-old with a box of crayons.
You know, I used to be a big fan of “Body & Soul” until you came in and ruined it with your lousy writing. So all I was doing with Lady Whistleblower was telling it like it is.
Enough, Kerry. I think it’s time that you get dressed and get the hell out of here now.
I’m sorry, was I not clear? Go.
[scoffs] Javi. OK, come on. Are you really breaking up with me because, what, I said a couple mean things about Leo’s stupid show?
Oh no, you did more than that. You broke into his hotel room. You stole from him. You put spyware on his computer.
Lest we forget, he’s also likely the one who sent poison cupcakes to the cast.
Mm, no. I had nothing to do with that.
Even if I ignored what you did to Leo, you still betrayed me.
[sly jazz music] Because you knew that Leo and I were not together because he thought I was Lady Whistleblower, OK? And so not only do I not trust you, I wish that I had never laid my eyes on you. So do me a favor and get the hell out of my room now.
You know what? Fine. It’s your loss. Babe.
[door slams]
So based on the sweatshirt, Leo was able to deduce that this Lady Whistleblower was Rafe’s cousin all along. What?
Oh, is it me or–
[chuckles] Does that theory sound, well, I don’t know, a little flimsy?
[phone ringing]
It’s Leo.
[phone beeps] Hello?
Abe, you are not going to believe this. I have the most astonishing, stop the presses, flabbergasting news ever, ever, ever, ever.
What is it?
Lady Whistleblower is not Javier Hernandez after all. It’s Kerry Youmins.
Oh, my God. Wait, who?
I cannot believe I am going down that elevator shaft like Charlemagne. I mean, come on, won’t the fans be up in arms? Like, haven’t we seen this before?
Leo chooses to see it as an homage to his previous work.
Yeah, got it.
Listen, Chanel, I was wondering if maybe after this is all over, you and I could talk?
I don’t have anything to say to you. And quite frankly, just being here right now and having to be in the same room with you and Joy is making me physically ill. So can we please just get this over with, OK?
[somber music]
[Johnny sighs]
I thought I was supposed to come back from the dead.
Yes, but only after Kassandra leaves and Dr. Lamoray injects you with a begonia serum.
Isn’t this more dramatic?
No! This doesn’t make any sense. Kassandra finds out you’re alive after you crash the wedding.
Well, see, the thing is that Bonnie gets to do all the dialogue, and I just lay here like a cadaver.
Oh honey, I think that’s the point, though.
OK, Hattie, we just talked about this. Obviously, you did not see the clause that I put into the contract that states that you will perform the script verbatim.
I thought that was more like a suggestion.
No, that’s a term you will uphold. And if you violate that term or any other term in the contract, you are off the show, period.
[gasps] All right, all right, all right. We’ll do it your way.
[tense music]
OK, and action.
Would you look at that? It’s already moving.
[both chuckle] Do you feel it?
No. No, I can’t feel it yet. But, Arrow, it’s starting to feel real. I can’t believe we’re actually having this baby.
Are you though, Arrow?
Why would you ask that, Faith?
Well, I’m just saying, how do we know that Regan wasn’t getting a little action on the side? And if she was, then maybe, just maybe, she’s just trying to pass the baby off as yours.
That’s insane.
Is it?
Yeah, it is. You’re just upset that this baby–
What, bringing you two closer together?
[chuckles] Look, Arrow is a smart guy. He is charming, he is drop-dead gorgeous. Why the hell would he want anything to do with a lyin’ skank like you?
Oh, is that what you think? Well, if only you saw us in the hotel room the night this baby was conceived. Let’s just say your man went to town. We were going at it every which way. And just when I thought we were done, nope, we did it again. Your man wanted me so badly, he was practically begging for it.
[loud slap] What the hell? She actually hit me!
Whoa. OK, cut, cut.
Oh, uh, sorry, I was just– I was just really in character.
Oh, my God, are you OK?
Let’s take five.
No. No, please, let’s keep going. I would really like to see Faith here fall down that elevator shaft. I have a feeling it’s going to be quite satisfying.
[tense music]
Sure you’re OK? That was a pretty vicious slap.
I’m fine, really. Actually, I’m glad that Chanel slapped me.
What? Why?
Well, because now I can stop feeling guilty about what I did to her. As far as I’m concerned, Chanel and I are even now.
[somber music]
Mm. Thank you.
Well, how’d it go?
Well, I did it. I took the swan dive down the elevator shaft.
Mm. And are you OK?
[sighs] Yeah, I’m fine, Mama. There was a mat.
I mean, are you OK here?
Oh. You know, I– I’m just glad it’s over. I’m just so ready to put all this behind me.
Oh, my poor baby. Well, is there anything I can do for you right now? I mean, how about some hot cocoa and marshmallows?
Yeah, that– that could be a start.
[sighs] Come on.
Chanel. Thank you. Thank you for helping us.
[softly] Yeah.
[phone beeps]
Kate? Yeah, it’s Abe. Look, I have some– some news that just might pique your interest. It’s regarding Lady Whistleblower.
First thing tomorrow, I am getting a new computer with state-of-the-art security and I’m changing all my passwords. Well, password because Madonna12345 and sometimes 6 is just not cutting it.
[Javi chuckles]
Well, Leo, I had no idea what Kerry was really like. And I am so sorry.
You have nothing to apologize for. Except for sleeping with that jerk.
I didn’t.
You didn’t?
Sleep with him.
So you two never?
Nope. I told you we were taking it slow. Kerry did start to wonder, though.
Did start to wonder what?
If I still had feelings for you.
Oh.
I told him he was way off base, but to be honest… he wasn’t.
[soft dramatic music]
Mm, wait, wait, wait. Should
we be taking things slow?
Oh, I think that ship has sailed.
That’s a good point.
[Javi chuckles]
Hmm. That was Abe. Apparently, Leo has found the real Lady Whistleblower. Some guy named Kerry.
That’s fantastic.
Yeah. Yeah, it is. Maybe we won’t have any more leaks. And he must have broken the law to get the spoilers, so maybe we can convince Chad to fire the unscrupulous troll.
I hope Chad does that. And–and as far as that– that fellow you talked about, maybe he’ll even confess to poisoning all those cupcakes.
Yeah, well, he denied it. But it was an awfully shallow denial. Actually, I think he did do it.
Mm. Well, in any event, all your problems are solved now. So you know what? So I can now lift the curse. In fact, I should do that anyway. I’ll, uh–I’ll, uh– I’ll just do it now.
[clears throat]
[soft mysterious music] I, Hattie Adams, hereby lift the curse from “Body & Soul.”
[gasps] Ah, there. Done.
[Kate chuckles]
Well, I have to say I never really believed in the curse. But we did have a spell of bad luck, didn’t we? But hopefully, we’ve turned the corner, and now it will just be smooth sailing ahead.
Oh, no, Justin. Hattie and I had so much fun rehearsing. Trust me, we are getting along better than a house on fire.
[chuckles] Huh? No, no, no, I’ll be home soon. I just have to drop down to wardrobe. Got a text saying I have a last-minute fitting or something. In fact, I should probably let them know I’m on my way. Baby, I love you, too.
[smooches] Mwah. See you soon.
[chuckles] Bye.
[chuckles]
[elevator bell rings]
Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie! No, no!
[Bonnie screams]
[loud crashing]
[tense music]
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