Days of Our Lives Transcript
Transcript provided by Suzanne
THIS STILL NEEDS EXTENSIVE EDITING!
Weivenip? Damn! Now everybody knows about Weivenip?
Leo. Hey, I got your message.
[dramatic music] What is so urgent that I need to be here immediately, if not sooner?
This! Lady Whistleblower has struck again.
Oh, my goodness, what a day.
Sorry. Was I interrupting something?
You’re late.
By one minute.
You’re late.
Here’s the check. Now pack your things and go.
[sighs]
I’m sorry. Do we have a problem here?
Joy doesn’t want to quit, dude. She loves her job. She admitted it to me when I tried to talk her out of leaving.
You–whoa, you did what? Damn it! Alex, this is none of your business.
[scoffs]
All right? So why don’t you just stay out of it before you ruin everything?
What the hell is going on in here?
Hello, is anyone gonna tell me what you two are fighting about?
It’s–it’s nothing.
Well, it didn’t sound like nothing.
Actually, it’s about Joy.
[soft orchestration] announcer: Like sands through the hourglass, so are the “Days of Our Lives.”
You seem very protective over your phone, Javi.
Do I? Well, I was putting together my top secret Christmas shopping list. Don’t want anyone to find out what I got them before the big day. [chuckles]
Aw. Well, that’s sweet. And by the way, I look amazing in blue.
Oh, babe, you would look amazing in, like, a Winnie-the-Pooh pajama onesie. [laughter]
OK, I don’t know about all that.
All right. Note to self: no Winnie-the-Pooh attire.
You know, I’m surprised that Rafe didn’t beat me home, considering I stayed at the office late.
Actually, he did.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, then he got a message and took off.
Hmm. Do you know what kind of message?
He said it was from Black Patch. Apparently Leo has got him at his beck and call.
[chuckles] OK, so this so-called emergency is about Lady Whistleblower?
Oh, don’t you “so-called emergency” me. What do you think I hired you to do, find DB Cooper? This, this is what I hired you to do.
And what is this?
L’imposteur has dropped another column, stuffed with exclusive “Body & Soul” spoilers. Now everyone with a smartphone, which is everyone, knows about Weivenip.
Weivenip?
Yeah.
Well, what is that, some sort of code?
[sighs] Read it from right to left, OK? [sighs]
Pine–
Weivenip, it’s Pineview spelled backwards. Pineview is the town from “Body & Soul.” And Weivenip is the tropical island that seems to be exactly like Pineview, only it’s not. See, there are all of these people who were presumed dead, murder victims, et cetera, but it turns out–
They were actually alive on the tropical island, Weivenip, the entire time?
Yes, exactly. It’s a little bit genius, isn’t it?
Wait, isn’t that the exact plot–
No, it is not the exact plot of anything. It is a completely original idea. And I know that because it came to me in a dream, right after the dream I had where my mother pushed me down this filthy water slide into the mouth of a crocodile. And then it all just sort of blended into Weivenip, the island and the gorgeous formerly dead inhabitants.
Hmm.
What? You don’t like it?
No, I was just wondering.
Wondering what?
About the plot holes. Well, I mean, how do these people even get on the island in the first place?
Ever hear of boats, planes, water skis? How does anybody get anywhere?
OK, but you said they’re alive on the island now but they were murdered? How?
I don’t know. But I do know I didn’t hire you to give me notes. I hired you to find this shady, phony-baloney Whistleblower. So if I were you, I’d get off that taut little tush of yours and find her before she spoils everything.
Joy? Why would you two be fighting about joy?
[tense music]
Chanel, there’s something you need to know. This isn’t just about Joy. It affects you too.
Me? Wait, what does it have to do with me?
OK, so about a week ago–
Alex slept with Joy.
I promise it doesn’t bite. You just feed it to an ATM, and voilà.
I know. It’s just… I really like this job.
Joy, I understand that this is a sacrifice, which is why I’m offering such a generous sum, one that you agreed to take. Besides, there are plenty of jobs out there.
[sighs]
I mean, with that kind of money, you could go back to school, get a master’s in…whatever.
Or if your heart is set on acting, why not head out to Los Angeles? I mean, think about it, Joy– a fresh start, get some of that warm California sunshine and an agent, of course.
You know, I do have an old dear friend on the West Coast, something of a acclaimed filmmaker. Tells me he’s always on the lookout for fresh talent.
I can help you, Joy. But you know what you must do.
What’s going on?
I have to say, I was pretty surprised when Leo showed up on Thanksgiving. And not only did he show up, but he hired Rafe to find out who’s been spoiling his stories.
I was even more surprised that Rafe took him up on it, even after I went through an itemized list featuring all of Leo’s worst qualities. But did he listen? No. He was too busy watching football.
Mm. [chuckles] Well, I wouldn’t take that personally. I mean, you should hear him go on and on about his fantasy team. He thinks of himself as a– a virtual coach. [laughter]
Well, he wasn’t coaching tonight.
Mm.
And let me tell you, he didn’t listen to me when I told him not to go to that damn meeting.
Well, why would you tell him that?
[dramatic music]
See? See? Weivenip. The Pineview Plunger. The Christmas Eve scandal, where this criminal mall Santa and his evil twink sidekick, who’s wearing an elf costume, try to kidnap a–
OK, OK, Leo, Leo, I get it, OK? Obviously this Lady Whistleblower is playing spoiler to your stories.
It is downright malicious, Rafe. Somebody is obviously out to get me.
And you said that none of the cast knew about any of this?
No, it hadn’t made it into the scripts yet. And before you say anything, I know that my password shouldn’t be “password.” But I have the memory of a goldfish. I don’t have another password in me. Why am I telling you this?
OK, so did anyone else have access to your computer?
Well, your cousin Javi. I caught him on it when I was coming out of the shower. I had invited him to my room. We had–had a good time, and–
I know. He told me all about it.
Wait, did he tell you about when– never mind. [chuckles]
What he told me was that you actually accused him of being Lady Whistleblower.
Yes, I did. I–I think that subconsciously I thought that Javi was too good for me. So to protect myself from the inevitable, him breaking my heart, I pushed him away. You know, every day, I have a conversation with my inner little Leo, and I remind him that good things are possible.
[holiday music] Therapy mumbo jumbo aside, I– I feel really terrible about screwing things up with Javi.
Understandable. So are there any other suspects?
[sighs] Well, Salem is nothing if not fertile ground for producing a cohort of duplicitous, underhanded– [gasps] Wait a minute. Could it be?
Could it be what?
Rafe, my handsome sleuthhound, I think I know who it is.
[dramatic music] Yes, indeed. I believe that we have our Lady–or should I say Shady– Whistleblower. [chuckles]
Well, I didn’t realize that the two of you knew each other.
Kate, what a coincidence. We were just talking about you.
Were you?
Mm.
Why is that?
Well, you are the producer of “Body & Soul,” aren’t you?
That, I am.
Well, then I think you ought to know that Joy here has decided to quit the show.
Quit?
Mm.
Really?
Mm-hmm.
Why is that, Joy?
I’m not really sure it’s for me.
Hmm. What isn’t for you?
The pace. We don’t really get any time to rehearse, which kind of feeds into my anxiety.
Mm.
And honestly, I’m– I’m really missing New York.
Well, of course you are. Of course you are. I mean, New York is a fabulous city. Believe me, I am not unsympathetic. But I can’t allow you to quit. You see, you have an ironclad contract. And you wouldn’t want to be in breach of that, would you?
– So Alex is sleeping with Joy? Is that true?
Yeah, it’s true. He–he just told me.
He did?
Hmm.
But why would he tell you that?
Look, I don’t know what–
You know, because I–I– I got the sense that something was going on between them at rehearsal. And so Alex, he just dropped by to go over some– some script edits, and I asked him about it.
Mm-hmm.
And he admitted that they were…you know.
OK. But why were you guys fighting about it?
I was just concerned that, you know, it might not be a good idea. Isn’t that right, Alex?
So why don’t you want Rafe to go to that meeting with Leo?
Maybe because Leo is a complete and total jerk.
Mm.
What? He accused me of being Lady Whistleblower based off of some pretty sketchy circumstantial evidence and his own toxic relationship with reality. And that was after we had a pretty hot first date. Not that that matters. And after he turned on me, I realized that I was better off without someone like him in my life. And I don’t want a good, honest man like my cousin Rafael to be sucked into the vortex that is Leo Stark.
Javi, I think it’s really sweet of you that you want to protect your cousin Rafe. But you do realize that they’re not gonna sleep together, right? I mean, he is only helping him find the person who took over this whole Lady Whistleblower column. So why don’t you want him to help him with the case?
[dramatic music]
So you think that Kate is the Lady Whistleblower.
Yep, I do. Our very own Kate Roberts. Or is it Kate Brady? I should pay attention to the credits.
But she’s executive producer of your show.
I know that. But I pitch her the stories. She knows the stories.
But why would she want to sabotage her own show?
[gasps] Actually, I think it’s both of them, Kate and Abe, which, believe it or not, makes even more sense because they are the producers, plural.
Huh?
Haven’t you ever seen “The Producers”?
The Mel Brooks movie with Gene Wilder?
And Zero Mostel. Yeah, that’s the movie version. So no, I’m talking about the Broadway musical starring Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick. It won 2 Tony Awards. I should know this because I was hired at that event to look after Patti LuPone’s Boston terrier.
Right. OK. So the musical.
Yeah, OK, do you remember the plot of “The Producers”? In a nutshell, Bialystock and Bloom try and make their own show a flop so they can get the insurance money and make out like bandits. That must be exactly what Kate and Abe are trying to do with “Body & Soul.” They’re worried that the show is gonna tank, and this is how they’re gonna rake it in. Insurance fraud, just like Bialystock and Bloom. Only in the case of Abe and Kate, it is not going to be a barrel of laughs.
OK.
Yeah, I–I don’t buy it. Sorry.
Well, then you come up with something. You’re the private investigator. Don’t you have any ideas?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.
Kate, I am well aware that Joy has a contract.
Mm. And did you know, EJ, that contracts are legally binding?
I do, which is why she hired me to extricate her from this ill-suited accord. You see, Joy is a young actress in possession of not only great talent but a keen intuition of what’s best for her. So I told her, please do not waste your hard-earned money on me. I’m more than happy to take this case pro bono. So please put that check away.
I’m sure we can work this out for everyone’s benefit.
Oh, you think so?
Well, knowing how deeply unhappy Joy has become, I can’t imagine you holding her to some draconian contract. And I’m sure you know that you won’t get the best out of an actor who already has their foot out the door.
Well, of course not. And I would never want anyone working for me against their will. But you are our Regan, Joy. Everyone loves you in the role.
Oh, surely you can love someone else in that role. I mean, can’t you simply recast? I’m told that’s a fairly common practice.
Mm, mm-hmm. We could recast. I don’t want to. You see, Joy, you have a very special gift. You do, and if you put your mind to it, I think you’re going to be a big star.
Joy, I promise you, whatever your concerns are, that Abe and I will work with you to address them. And all I ask of you is to reconsider.
Don’t break your contract.
So you and Johnny are practically having this knock-down, drag-out fight because you’re having a fling with Joy?
It’s true. Johnny wasn’t happy when I told him that I slept with Joy.
Mm-hmm. So that’s what you meant when you said Alex is going to ruin everything?
Yeah, well, like I said, I was just concerned, you know, after the whole Alex and Stephanie fiasco that this would only cause more problems.
Yeah. And I was just telling Johnny that what Joy and I do is our business. After all, it’s not like we’re married. [chuckles] We’re not hurting anybody.
That’s not exactly true.
Well, why are you so–
Worried about Rafe taking Leo’s case? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’ve opened emails from down-on-their-luck shipping heiresses that I trust more than that guy. And plus, in this day and age, who knows if Rafe will ever figure out who Lady Whistleblower is. And for all we know, maybe… it’s someone in a penthouse in Kuala Lumpur. [laughter]
OK, if that’s true, then trust me, Rafe would be there ready to bust down the door of that mansion.
I hope so, ’cause Leo seems adamant to take someone down for this. And who knows? If Rafe doesn’t find the culprit of who Lady Whistleblower is…
Mm.
I wouldn’t put it past Leo to blame Rafe himself.
You know, I doubt that. Not that I’m defending Leo, but I mean, this person is messing with his livelihood. And although it is not, you know, a police matter, if I were Leo, I’d want it solved too. [phone beeps]
[dramatic music]
Oh, I have to go. But there are enchiladas in the fridge if you want to polish those off. I’ll see you later. [speaking Spanish]
Well, that was abrupt.
Hmm.
All right, Columbo, let’s hear it. Who’s your suspect?
I don’t want to say.
What? Why not?
Well, because I don’t want to accuse anyone unless I have concrete evidence.
You’re not accusing anyone. You’re just telling me.
Eh, a distinction without a difference.
Huh? A what without a what?
Meaning if I tell you who I think it is, you’re going to accuse them. Am I wrong?
I am not… making any promises. But wait, I’m the client here. I’m paying you.
Yes, exactly. All the more reason why I want to stay tight-lipped about this. Now, if you actually want to find out who this is, then we cannot let them know that we are investigating them, right? If you go around and you start making false accusations, word is gonna get out. Yeah, and in the case of Javi, maybe I should say more false accusations.
Listen, just give me some time, OK? If I come up with something concrete, I’ll let you know.
Can you work fast? I don’t know how many more Weivenips I have in me.
Yeah, you should probably talk to your doctor about that.
Oh, Rafe, wait.
Do you think that you might be willing to put in a good word for me with your cousin? In the short amount of time that we’ve worked together, you could tell that I’m a decent guy, right? Who would be an even more decent guy had I not had a mother who one year for Halloween made me dress up as a sewer rat because she said that’s what I reminded her of.
I will put in a good word for you, OK? But just be warned. Once Javi makes up his mind about something, he isn’t prone to change it. And seems like he’s made up his mind.
I really messed that up, didn’t I?
Hmm.
So who do you think is getting hurt by Joy and I sleeping together?
Well, isn’t it obvious? Joy. I mean, there’s clearly a power imbalance in your relationship.
A power imbalance?
Yeah.
Mm.
I mean, it’s not the same as the actor on the show and the show’s publicist sleeping together. But I mean, Joy, she’s new in town, and she’s finding her way. She’s vulnerable.
Mm.
And Johnny and I promised to look out for her.
Is that so?
Yeah.
Oh.
Yeah. And on top of that, you’re still not over the whole Stephanie thing.
Mm.
And I really just– I don’t want Joy to get hurt.
Mm, well, I don’t want you to worry at all, Chanel, ’cause I don’t want anybody to get hurt either.
My client will not be pressured into anything. She’s made her decision, one she feels, though difficult in the moment, is best for her long-term.
Hmm. Why don’t you just skip the lawyerly sermons and let Joy speak for herself?
Actually, Kate’s right. I want to stay.
You want to–
To stay, yes.
Ah, that is such good news. It really is. And I don’t want you to worry, all right? Abe and I are going to happily address all of your concerns. As a matter of fact, I’m gonna make a note to myself to have him start working on the schedule, because I know that we can make some adjustments to get you into New York more often. I know that you miss your family. But I also want you to remember that “Body & Soul” is now your family too.
[chuckles]
Mm.
What the hell was that?
OK, well, I should head upstairs so that I can learn all my lines for tomorrow.
OK.
All right, I will see you later.
OK.
Mwah. And goodbye, Alex.
[sighs]
What the hell was that?
[dramatic music]
Why? Why would you tell Chanel that Joy and I slept together when we both know this girl’s–
I had to think fast, OK? I’m sorry. But, Alex, just– it’s gonna be fine, OK? It doesn’t even matter. Joy’s leaving town.
I know she’s leaving town. And now Chanel’s gonna think it’s my fault. Did that ever occur to you in your little pea brain?
I said I’m sorry, OK? I just–I–I panicked. I said the first thing that came to me. Let’s just–can we please just take a deep breath, OK? Everything is going to be fine… if you don’t say anything. How’d that old maxim go? Loose lips sink ships.
[scoffs] Fine. Even though now I look like the bad guy, thanks to you. But out of the interest for your wife, Chanel, I don’t want to upset her any more. I don’t want to cause any more problems for anybody else. So I won’t say anything.
[sighs] Look, thank you, OK? Thank you. I’m grateful.
Don’t thank me. You don’t deserve it. You don’t deserve it, because you handled this like a little bitch. Little bitch.
Mm.
Why did you tell Kate you’re staying, Joy? What are you trying to pull?
I just–
Just what?
I realized Kate was right. I do like my job. I like being an actress. Why should I give that up?
Why should– because you’re interfering in my son’s marriage, that’s why.
Look, last time I checked, there were two of us in the hotel room that night. I would say your son bears quite a bit of responsibility for what happened.
[sighs]
[sighs]
What do you want, Joy? Hmm? You want me to double that, add an extra zero?
No, I don’t. Look, I’m sorry that Johnny’s not comfortable with me being around, but he’s gonna have to get used to it…
‘Cause I’m not going anywhere.
Hey. [sniffs] Something smells good.
Well, I just had some leftover enchiladas.
Ooh.
Yeah. So…how did it go with Leo?
How did you know I was meeting with Leo?
I’m the police commissioner. I know everything that happens in this town.
Hmm.
OK, Javi told me.
Ah.
And he wasn’t too happy that you took the case.
Oh, yes. He made that abundantly clear, believe me.
Mm. So what’s the takeaway? Any leads on who this new Whistleblower is?
Yeah, I’ve got a hunch who it might be.
A hunch, huh?
Mm-hmm.
Care to share?
Hattie Adams.
What? Hattie Adams?
Yeah, she was fired shortly after she started taping at “Body & Soul,” and she was pretty upset about it. Apparently she put a curse on the show.
Yeah, you know, I heard about that.
Mm-hmm. Anyway, I think it’s a pretty good lead.
Hmm. So what are you gonna do, track her down?
Yeah, I am.
You have a problem with that?
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. She even knows that Lorna’s the one who reveals the truth, under the moonlight, with a single tear rolling down her cheek? [sighs] What else does this charlatan, this trickster–
[holiday music] Worst part is, I can’t even be mad. She’s not a bad writer. Excellent use of syntax, incredible vocabulary.
It’s a shame what happened to Weivenip.
How do you know about Weivenip?
Oh, ’cause I read it on Lady Whistleblower’s column.
[sighs]
And you’re right, she does have an impressive vocabulary.
So you’re gloating now? Rubbing it in? I guess I deserve that after accusing you of–
Betrayal? Of being a duplicitous, two-timing jerk?
Look, I know I don’t deserve your pity. Who wants to be pitied, anyway? Actually, sometimes it is comforting. It’s sort of like a tepid but nonetheless relaxing bubble bath.
Anyway, my point is, I really loved being a head writer. It was fun and exciting. And I feel like for the first time in my life, I was being respected. And now, poof, it’s just all gone up in smoke.
I understand.
You do?
[chuckles] I remember how excited you were to watch the premiere. And it’s obvious how much this job meant to you. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry that it’s getting so messed up.
Thank you.
So not to brag– OK, maybe a little bit to brag– but I thought today’s episode was so good. There was this scene I wrote where– actually, you know what? I don’t want to ruin it. So I was wondering– and feel free to say no…
But would you be interested in coming up to my room and watching it with me?
So you’re inviting me up to your room?
Just to watch the show. We could order some room service. They have these mozzarella sticks from that pizza place around the corner that are– I was gonna say so good, but they’re not.
[chuckles]
It’ll be my treat, of course.
[dramatic music]
[sighs]
Kerry?
Leo, hey.
Wait, you two know each other?
You are my first groupie.
[chuckles]
And this is happening, isn’t it?
Mm. When I’m attracted to someone, I don’t like to waste time. I’m betting you feel the same way.
Yeah. We went out once. Only Leo thought we didn’t have a– what did you call it, a– oh, that’s right, a spark.
No, it wasn’t that. It was just–
So are you ready?
Wait, you two know each other?
Oh, we don’t. Not yet, at least.
You know, he swiped right on me, I swiped right on him, et cetera, et cetera.
Oh, you met on a dating app?
Something wrong with that?
No, not at all.
So this is–this is–
A–a date, yeah.
So where to? Small Bar? I hear they make great caipirinhas.
Let’s go. Have a great evening, Leo.
Well, do you have a problem with me searching for Hattie?
Actually, yes, I do…
Mm.
Because Hattie happens to be the main suspect in this Cupcake-gate. And besides, I already have an APB out on her, so…
Meaning?
Meaning I don’t need Black Patch getting in the way. And I don’t want this investigation to mess up with you underfoot.
[chuckles
I mean, no offense.
Mm.
What? What are you thinking?
Oh, just, Javi warned us about this.
About what?
About me going to work for Black Patch, how it could throw a wrench into your investigation.
OK, come on. No one’s throwing a wrench into anything, OK? [chuckles] Look, all I’m asking is that you just let me take the lead on finding Hattie.
What? What is that look about? What are you thinking?
Why should I? I mean, seriously, why should– I have a PI’s license. It’s totally legal for me to trail someone.
I mean, this is–this is an active police investigation, which means–
Which means nothing, nothing. OK, listen, if you and I weren’t together, you wouldn’t even know about this.
OK, I have a feeling I would find out about Hattie as soon as you spooked her to take off.
Oh, spooked her? How am I gonna spook her? I just want to find out if she’s the new Lady Whistleblower or not.
And then if she finds out you’re onto her about that, then she’s gonna stop and take a moment and think, you know what, maybe they’re onto me about the cupcakes too.
Is that it?
Yeah, that’s it.
Really, is it?
Yeah, that’s it.
Or–or are you worried that Mayor Price is gonna think that I’m doing a better job on this case than you are?
No. But you know what?
May the best investigator win.
Yeah, good luck.
Extra luck.
[chortles]
[sighs] Did you give Joy her check? What? Why not?
Well, I did. I handed it to her. But right after she took it, Kate interrupted and then somehow talked her into believing that she was going to become the next Julia Roberts and that she would address all of Joy’s on-set concerns.
You’re kidding me.
I’m afraid I’m not. Believe me, son, I tried to convince her, but Joy just wouldn’t listen. She’s decided to stick around.
Johnny?
No, no, you listen to me, buddy boy. Who I’m sleeping with and who I’m not sleeping with is none of your damn business. Furthermore, what happened between Haley and me all those years ago is ancient history, so– [knock at door] Joy.
Alex, hi. Can I come in?
Sure, yeah.
OK.
What’s going on? Sorry, I’m a little bit busy. I was trying to run all these lines.
I’m not gonna stay long. I just–I wanted to let you know. [chuckles]
Let me know what?
I didn’t take the money. I’m staying.
Yes! Ye–really? What–what changed your mind?
Kate did, actually.
Kate?
Yeah, no, she just happened to be walking by when Johnny’s father was handing me the check. To be honest, I was gonna take it, and I was gonna be on the next flight out to JFK. But Kate made me realize I really want this job. And I’m not gonna cave in about it.
Hey, good for you. Seriously, I’m glad to hear it, you standing up to EJ. I know he can be… intimidating.
Yeah, no kidding. [chuckles]
[chuckles] Cheers.
Thank you.
There’s also something I need to tell you.
Hmm?
Chanel is now of the belief that you and I are sleeping together. Mm.
Hey, babe. What’s up?
Why do you look like you just got caught cheating on an algebra test?
I–I do? Well, we were just–
Chanel, I don’t think I’ve asked you. How are things on “Body & Soul”?
Oh, they’re going well. I’m really connecting to my character. Speaking of which, I have, like, ten scenes with Regan tomorrow. So I wanted to see if you would run lines with me, Johnny. Down to play a home-wrecker?
Ha. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I’ll be right up.
All right, great. Good night, EJ.
Good night.
[sighs] Damn it. I–I–I can’t handle this.
Hey. No choice, son. I’m afraid you’re going to have to learn to live with this secret.
You got this.
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