General Hospital Transcript
Transcript provided by Suzanne
THIS STILL NEEDS EXTENSIVE EDITING!
[ Gasps ] Oh, my goodness. Just — somebody pinch me so I know I’m not dreaming. Ow! That was kind of hard! Well, at least you know you’re not dreaming. Admit it — you are just as excited about all of this as I am. Are you kidding me? Getting to market deception products on “home & heart”? This show is like the holy grail for makeup sales. Right? I mean, enchanted cosmetics makes a killing every time they nab a time slot. Wait. Will we see erica kane? Oh, my god! I would just die! I would keel over. Not before we count our profits, which will be huge.
[ Laughs ] Well, that is, of course, if our beautiful face of deception is up to the task. Oh, you got this. Right, sasha? Absolutely. Let’s do this!
[ Laughs ] Come on. I’m glad I found you. We need to talk. Lately, every time we talk, my life goes sideways. I know. I’m sorry. But not anymore. Drum roll, please.
[ Hands drumming table ] Today is the day I change your life. Earth to cam. What is wrong with you? Wow. T-there’s nothing wrong. Why would there be anything wrong? Maybe because you keep saying the word “wrong”? -It’s just your whole vibe. -And your face. Okay. This is — this is how my face is. Lately. But it’s not your usual… open and honest “cam” face. And I have to wonder why. What am I doing here? Uh, looking for you, of course. Oh, well, you found me. Now what are you gonna do with me? Hey, now. Hey, now.
[ Muffled ] It’s almost impossible.
[ Laughter ] It’s still there! Dr. Westbourne! How, uh, serendipitous. I-I was hoping to avail myself of your counsel. You’re pregnant?
[ Laughs ] How have I never noticed how humorous you are? No, no, no. My — my problem is not, uh, physical. It is, in fact… romantic-al. I’m losing? Mm-hmm. No, no, no. Alright. I get another shot. -Ho, ho! No! -Another shot at redemption. I’m not — I’m not giving up the crown. You afraid? I’m gonna tell you right now. Your dad is just afraid that we’re making a scene. No. Well, we are, but it — yeah, it is kind of a classy restaurant. Wanna hear something, kid? Your dad wasn’t always so classy. He’s used to be a hell-raiser. Are you sure? Oh, yeah. Taught him everything I know. Nah. Oh. My assistant didn’t tell me I had…a visitor. May I help you? Well, that’s not gonna be necessary. But I can help you. I understand not wanting to take the money from the quartermaines, but, uh… what about your ex-husband? I would say he owes you a favor… or five hundred. Don’t say a word to sonny. Carly, he’s gonna find out. Great. Let him find out. But not right now. Hey, carly. Hey, olivia. Sonny. I’m gonna go… take care of that…thing.
[ Chuckles ] She beat it out of here real quick. What, she didn’t want to get caught in the crossfire? The crossfire? Or whatever bad news you’re gonna tell me.
My life doesn’t need changing.I just want it back. The life that I had, the one where I was a police detective. Look. I get it. Things look bad now, but being temporarily barred from working at the pcpd, it’s just that — it’s temporary. You will get your badge back. And until then, there are other ways to be productive. Like what? Like a career change.
[ Indistinct conversations ] Okay. The selection looks great, but they’ll have to be rearranged. We’ll segue from lipsticks to our cutting-edge lip plumper to the feline lash lift, and then we’ll probably go eyeshadow after that. Not gonna work. Can you move my 5:00 to 6:00? Absolutely. Great. Thank you, honey. Sure. Haven de havilland.
[ Chuckles ] Oh. Oh, my goodness. Okay. Deep breath. I have to tell you that you are absolutely my idol. Yeah, and I never miss a chance to watch your show. Oh, well, thank you. And — and I am a big fan of deception and the sales you’re about to rack up. And here’s the face of deception herself, sasha gilmore. Honey, it is an honor. The honor is all mine. Aww. Ladies, ladies, how about a few photos for the fans? All together. Now big smiles. Beautiful. More. Sasha told me she thought it would be good publicity for deception. Hey, sash, how about one of just you and haven? Oh, oh. Beautiful. Yeah. Okay. That’s enough for now. We’ll take more later. Okay. How about we get some of the queen on her throne? Oh, honey, I like the way you think. Okay. Wait. Is it just me or is there something just a little bit off about sasha? Britt: You’d get better romantic advice from an amoeba. May I draw on your experience, then? Uh, specifically your experience with society setups? The sermon at the pool didn’t tell you all you needed to know? Well, I mean, maxie told me that you received six months’ free service as a courtesy after your incident with the skydiver, so I… have you had no — no success since then? I’ve been busy washing my hair. Why have you not partaken? What’s the point? The society setups’ matches are either duds or no-shows. That’s unfortunate. I hoped maybe things had turned around for you. It might bode well for me. If you’re thinking of joining, don’T. Ah, it’s too late. Already scheduled for date number three with match number one. In fact, uh — yeah, here she is. Um… brandi.
[ Laughter ] Okay. Ma! Hey! Look. Stand up and meet my mother. This is cody. Ho, ho! The cody? Cody bell from camp? The one and only!
[ Laughs ] I can’t believe it. I’m so pleased to finally meet mama falconeri! Ah! Do you have any idea how many calls I got from their camp counselors about all the mischief these knuckleheads were getting into? Well, this guy’s apparently turned over a new leaf. Oh. Uh, trying to, at least. My mom is sick, and I have to take care of my brothers, I’m working two jobs, and I’m still getting creepy texts from randos about my sex life. So stop overthinking my “cam face.” Cam. I’m sorry. No. I — look. I’m sorry, alright? It could be worse, right? I’ll quit complaining. No. You weren’t complaining. You were just describing what’s going on with you. And I wish you’d do more of that, you know, instead of bottling it up. Trust me. You have no idea how much I’d like to unload. Well, why don’t you? Well, I was thinking that we could go for a picnic. Ugh. Don’t you remember? I hate ants. Let’s go back to the pool. We’ll go to the pool first. Alright? Start with joss. Promise to not leave me hanging? Yeah, I got your back. I promise. The pool scene is just so…bougie. Or we could fly to manhattan, get a suite, go out, or, um, you know… stay in. Tempting.
[ Chuckles ] Uh, but let’s enjoy what’s left of the sun, yeah? The pool it is. Donna’s fine. And everything else in your life is irrelevant to me? Those are the terms we agreed upon in our divorce. Alright. Well, if you reconsider, y-you know how to reach me. Drew, I don’t see you in these offices much since you took over for jax. Well, you run a tight ship. Profitable. I don’t like to micromanage when business is going well. Well, thank you. And yet you are here. To offer me some…”help”? You make my help sound like a different four-letter word. Well, you made it very, very clear in what you think of me, so it’s making me wonder if your help w-would actually be beneficial. Let’s leave carly and sonny out of this, okay? This is not personal. This is just business. Yeah, but I’m hearing that your business isn’t exactly booming these days after the aurora/elq merger that didn’t happen. Valentin did get ahead of me and michael, yes. And so what does that mean for your future? The stock is gonna recover eventually. So will aurora. Maybe even faster with a — with a change at the top.
So you’re stepping down from aurora? No. No. The shareholders aren’t very happy with me, so I do have to make some moves to placate them. And is your first move to replace me at crimson? I have no intention of replacing you, nina. I do intend to offload crimson. The shareholders will respond very positively to the sudden cash infusion from selling the magazine. Alright. Well, good luck to you, drew. But please communicate to the future purchasers that my contract guarantees that I have independence. I can run this magazine however I see fit. We can avoid that issue altogether, nina… if you buy crimson yourself. No worries. No worries. I’m not gonna take your picture. It wouldn’t be the most flattering. What do you want, felty? I was about to ask you the same question. Need more pills? I’m good! Are you sure? It’s gonna be a long day! Oh. There you are! I assume you got my script notes. Start with lipstick and then — now, just remember. Keep it personal. You know, you’re giving our viewers a confidential glimpse into your life. Make them feel like they’re in the know. Lucy: Yes. Oh, but, uh, don’t get so specific. You lose your appeal. No. And keep it warm but not too effusive. You know, you got to maintain your credibility. Just give the viewers something to aspire to. But don’t come off as conceited. Oh! Oh, oh. No, no, no, no, no. Our sasha is never, ever conceited. No, no. You’ve got this. Right, sasha? Uh — right! Of course! Good! Just remember what erica kane always says. Yes! “Remember to have fun!” “And sell, sell, sell!”
[ Laughter ] Right. And we’re on in 15. So just take deep breaths. And don’t smear your lipstick. Lucy, let’s go over those products one final time. Yes, your majesty. Oh. Okay. How are you doing? -I’m good. -I want pictures of this… maybe a little dry. Okay. I’ll find you some water. Okay. Need a boost? Why can’t you unload like you want to? I mean, you know I’m not gonna judge. It’s just that, um… some people have it harder than me. Like me? Don’t go there, webber. I don’t have a monopoly on problems. You don’t have to be strong or silent on my account. Is just “strong” okay? I’m fine with that. Incoming. Esme: Well, isn’t that sweet! One last hurrah before the trial of the century. So, sam told me you might be sticking around. I might be. Yeah. Um… your son has a couch with my name on it… ah. …Just until I get some gainful employment. Ah, you can stay as long as you want. We got plenty of room. Yeah, dante told me that you really have a way with horses. This guy wants to own his own ranch. Really? Well, you know, my family happens to be looking for a new overseer for our stables. Um, I would love to hear more about that, I promise.
[ Chuckles ] I’m not trying to be rude, but I have to go check on something real quick. Oh. If you’ll excuse me. Britt: This is brandi? You found her on society setups? Well, society setups found us. But, um, I mean, it’s probably too good to be true. I mean, if they can’t find a match for someone as eligible as you, I mean, what kind of success can I truly hope to achieve? Cody: Ahh. Take heart. There’s hope for all of us. Even the hardest of hard-luck cases. I burnt through my savings during my last suspension. You know I thought I aged out of ramen when I turned 25? There’s an age limit for ramen? I guess I could go into private security. You would look hot in a full black suit with one of those earpieces. But I can’t see you turning the other way when your billionaire boss does something shady. Okay, then what? Become a P.I.? Drive around pcu in a golf cart busting underage keggers? I didn’t say job change. I said career change. Look, you are qualified for way more than “cop without a badge” work. Okay? You’ve got assets. Assets? Whoa. No, no, no. I’m not doing a magic milo act. I’m not referring to your body. I’m referring to your voice.
Glass of the house white?
[ Sighs ] Oh, man. Hey, joss, let me get you a fresh drink. Anyone want anything? No? Okay. Great. No trouble while I’m gone. Remember, people come here not for drama but for a diversion. I hear ya. Um, if it’ll make you happy, I’ll move to the other side of the pool. To take a break from your constant puppy-dog eyes at spencer. No drama. Oh, trina sees right through your boyfriend as if he’s not even there. Don’t do this, joss. Meanwhile, you can’t seem to keep your hands to yourself. Did she tell you how she was all over officer cabrera the other day? What are you talking about? Oh, joss is just making up stories because it’s trina who’s into officer cabrera. Thing is, he’s just another guy who wants nothing to do with you. Ohh… hey. Hey. Mrs. Corinthos. I’m sorry. I mean, um — oh, that’s okay. That’s okay. How are you, cam? I’m doing okay. Yeah? How’s your mom? Have you been to shadybrook to visit her? Couple times, yeah. You know, actually, I noticed — I think you have some lipstick on your teeth. Oh! Well, gosh. We can’t have that. Thank you. [ Chuckles ] Josslyn: Uh, hey, you need to get your girlfriend under control. Josslyn, back off! The porno queen of pcu is in no position to judge anyone. What did you just call me? He called you the porno queen of pcu.
[ Grunts ] Oh! Damn it! I heard him the first time. Well, then hear this! You bitch!
[ Onlookers gasp ] The only bitch is you!
[ Screams ] You want to sell crimson and you want to sell it to me? You’ve got the institutional knowledge. You’ve got a great track record. I mean, you can take your chances with a new boss or you can buy it and you can be your own boss. So generous. Thank you for coming to me first. Nina, t-there is a deal to be made here. A deal that might be just too good to be true. Why do I have a feeling that there’s another angle? Ager. Good surprise or bad surprise? Good surprise, of course. But I thought you were backed up at the garage. Uh, I am, but I ran into michael this morning at the gym, and he told me about willow going to the hospital. And I just realized I can’t be away from you on your big day. I mean any day, really. Did michael say how willow was? I’m guessing much better because he was in a damn good mood. Yes. I need to order an ob consult for room 1001. Willow’s room? Sometimes I can’t help but envy you. Confirming to a woman that she’s pregnant has to be your favorite part of the job, right? Of course he was. Uh, what do you mean? Oh, uh, my touch-up. Um, wish me luck. I’ll tell you what. I’ll do you one better. Is it done? Everything is prepared as you required. Good man! Hardly. Alright. Come on. This payoff is gonna be powerball sized. I just need to be real cautious with my execution — stop. Stop. I need hear no more. Our business is concluded. Aw, spinelli, man. You hurt my feelings. Haven’t I been good to you? I’ve been keeping your secret. Yeah. It’s called extortion. Extortion? Extortion is more impactful when the party being extorted is innocent, which you’re anything but. Sorry I’m late, spinelli. Um… who’s your friend?
Come on, chase. Take your best shot. Tell me all the ways I’d be a horrible manager, how it would never work, blah, blah, blah. Actually, it’s the first sensible thing you’ve said. It is? If anyone can make me a star, it’s you. Okay. Come on. Reality, though. Picture me on a stage at some sleazy bar where peanuts stick to the ground with a paycheck that doesn’t pay my rent? That is the beauty of my plan. If this thing works, you will make bank quick… or at least enough to cover your expenses until you find out whether or not you’re gonna get your badge back. How are we gonna pull that off? You never have to set foot on a real stage, okay? All we have to do is present an aura of success, enough to attract a real manager, one who will pay through the roof for your contract, a manager like linc. You ripped my hair out! Hey, come closer, and I’ll rip out some more. I don’t think so! Spencer, you and your girlfriend get the hell out of here. You are banned from my hotel. Out! I took the liberty of drawing up a buyout in case you’re interested. Obviously, it’s just filled with a bunch of legal jargon, but the bottom line is, is if you buy crimson, you take control of the magazine… and your destiny, for that matter. But the only way this happens is fast, so have your lawyers take a look at it. Just don’t take too long. Nina in her office? I just left her. Yeah. Okay. Um… hold on just one sec. Um… carly told me about her situation with the stake in the hotel. I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out a way to keep her in business here. I can’t think of anything. I offered to float her a loan, but I can’t finance that without help from ned. Carly wouldn’t allow that anyway. Yeah, I learned that the hard way. So… any ideas you care to share? I have one that’s not necessarily a sure thing and i don’t care to share with you. Well. [ Chuckles ] Remind me never to play the market with my half of the metro court. Mm. This place is like a second home to me. It has literally kept me sane even through all the craziness with the quartermaines. Cannot imagine losing it. I’m sure carly feels the same way. Nina: Ahem! You forgot your briefcase. Yes! The products. I mean, the deception products. It’s, um — I know I saw them here somewhere. Uh, well, before you tell us about the deception products, why don’t you tell us how you happened to get involved with deception?
[ Mouthing words ]
[ Exhales sharply ] Beneath the face of deception is someone who is incredibly nervous. I can handle a photo shoot, no problem, but being here live in front of millions of viewers has thrown me. Believe me, I remember my first day on the set. I couldn’t stop clearing my throat.
[ Laughter ] So — ah! We have our first caller. Please. Rescue us from ourselves. Woman:
Hello? Uh, can you hear me?
[ Quietly ] Gladys? Yes, we can hear you. What would you like to say to sasha? Are you familiar with deception’s products?
Am I? [ Chuckles ] I’ve seen ms. Gilmore’s face in magazine ads. And now watching her on tv, she is gorgeous! I’d pay anything to look like her. Well, that is so nice of you to say. Ha! Ms. Gilmore, um… I’m not getting any younger. Can you tell me how the lip plumper works? I sure can! Deception’s lip plumper was designed by makeup specialists who understand the needs of a maturing woman. It is state-of-the-art. There is nothing even close to its effectiveness on the market. Now, this color, pink rose, is my personal favorite. Cody bell, I’d like to introduce you to my close, dear, and very personal friend, sonny corinthos. Perhaps you’ve heard of him. As in corinthos coffee? The one and only. I’m — I’m actually friends with your son dante. W-we went to summer camp, way back when. No kidding. Yeah, I got some old photos, if you ever want to take a look. Well, you know what? Maybe one night you and dante can come over for dinner and we can go through the album. I look forward to it. Yeah, well, dante knows how to get in touch with me. And — alright. Bye, spinelli.
[ Grunts ]
[ Softly ] Well played. You got game, kid. Mr. Corinthos. What kind of trouble are you in with this cody bell?
You talking about?There’s no trouble with cody. Yeah? This guy has nothing to do with this wardrobe upgrade? The fact that you’re spreading money around? That you’re hinting that you’re doing things and you don’t say what? He’s the — he’s the skydiver that fell into britt westbourne at the pool during the society — just answer the question, spinelli. You call me here for drinks, you introduce me to this guy, mr. Bell. You didn’t want him to know that we’re close? How bad is it? Oh, no. It’s — how bad is it?! It’s handled. There’s nothing — there’s nothing for you to worry about. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s your business, but my business is my name, and when you drop it… you need to explain why. I’m gonna take a rain check on those drinks. Think about it.
[ Cellphone ringing ] Hey, zelda, what’s up? I got it. I got it. Don’t worry about it. I’ll pay you back, man. You want to pay me back… get off your couch. I know. No, I was gonna say give rocco — hook him up with a horse-riding lesson. You know, maybe I could do better than just one lesson. Does that job your mom mentioned come with room and board? Linc owns your songs. I punched him in the face. He’s not gonna want anything to do with us. And now you want him to manage me? I mean, what’s that about? Linc is dirty, and once he buys out your contract, you’ll be in the perfect position to get the goods on him. Ah, so then the pcpd can arrest him. Oh, don’t be so conventional. Then we’ll blackmail him into relinquishing my songs. Well, not really. I-I mean — no, I know what you mean. You don’t want to help me at all. You want to help you! Thank you for your purchases, gladys. I hope you’ll enjoy them.
I know I will.
That’s why I bought
two of everything. And gladys isn’t the only one ordering deception’s products. We are in danger of running out. So, viewers, make those purchases while they’re still in stock.
[ Mouthing words ] Gladys will be excited. She’s finally getting a raise. Did I say hot?
[ Chuckles ] Oh, viewers, we have a surprise guest. Please welcome our star seller — flora gardens!
[ Chuckles ] Get on up here, honey.
[ Laughter ] Wait. This wasn’t in the script. Oh, flora, it’s wonderful to see you. Oh, lord. Oh, boy. Let’s see what sasha does with this. …Hour, but with deception products on sale, I couldn’t resist showing up early! Flora, are you up for a makeover? Oh, I couldn’T. Except…I really want to.
[ Laughter ] We should always start with a fresh canvas, which means “fresh glow for the face.” Ooh! It’s a mild cleanser that softens your skin and makes it receptive to all the natural ingredients… if you need more deception products, they’re in the stockroom. Thanks. But this is flora’s product. She has the next segment, and haven wants us to be ready. Oh, what does flora sell? A whole range of products. This one’s really sweet. See for yourself. Sasha: …Products from nature. Everything is free from chemicals. It’s hypoallergenic. I wasn’t aware that we had an appointment, olivia. Oh, I was here to see your assistant. Well, as you can see, my assistant isn’t here. She’s at lunch. So may i help you with something? From now on, your invoices for rent and business lunches will be coming from my office and not carly’S. So all payments should come to me. Anything for carly. Hm. Thanks. Hm. So, drew, now I know why you’re gonna sell crimson. Okay, nina, you got me. Why am I selling crimson? Because I think you want to cover carly’s bad bet on the merger. She stands to lose her half of the metro court? Why didn’t you just tell me? Because I knew you would have rejected me if I did. Unless… unless what? Unless saving carly is an opportunity that you just can’t pass up. What do you say?
Thanks for backing me, mom.-I wish I didn’t have to. You have to stay the hell away from spencer and esme. Okay — things are gonna get worse now that I’ve banned them from the hotel. Enough about them. There’s something else going on. What are you so stressed about? Ah. Life is stressful, okay? Life is stressful. And please just go home and cool down for me, please. That would make your mother really happy. But, mom — but nothing. Go. Let’s go before somebody pushes me in the pool.
[ Groans ] Wait. What happened to cam? Did you get it? Yeah, when esme wasn’t looking. Please tell me that stealing josslyn’s hair was worth it. Did you get a sample of carly’s dna while I was making a lifelong enemy of my oldest friend? I’m not proud of it…
[ Exhales sharply ] …But I told josslyn’s mom that she had lipstick on her teeth. So now we can use her saliva as the dna sample. I hope you’re right. This needs to fool esme into believing that I know who her biological mother is. Yeah, so we can save trina from prison. I’m still wet. Let’s go back to spoon island. I need dry clothes and a hot shower. Are you coming? You lead, I follow. Don’t you get it?! I’m trying to help you! And if you get your songs back from linc, what, that’s just an added bonus? Actually, it only occurred to me right now. That’s because it takes a detective to connect the dots! Too bad I may never be one again. Britt: Sure. Send me the profiles. Yes, zelda, I promise I will look them over. No promises beyond that, though. I just told zelda I would give it one more chance. Oh. One. Okay. I-I have a strong sense your luck is about to change. You psychic now? I’m not jesting, britt. I-I think this go-round with society setups will be the charm. You are gonna love the stables. The quartermaines take excellent care of the horses. You found a new home, bedding with horses. Sounds about right. Yeah, cody’s gonna run the quartermaine stables. And get a penny to his name. Still accident-prone and uncouth. But not broke. One improvement at a time.
[ Elevator button clicking rapidly ] Are you ready for the final results of flora’s makeover? Oh, yes! What do you say? Ta-da! Ooh! [ Gasps ] Ohh! How marvelous! Ha! We may have a problem. How can I repay you for making me look so beautiful?! Oh, flora, I’m sure you have a little token of your appreciation handy — maybe just a sneak peek at your upcoming sale? And I just happen to have it right here. Ooh! Viewers, sasha… I have a must-have gift for all you ladies out there who are expecting! A one-of-a-kind baby papoose! Isn’t it beautiful? It’s adorable. And soft cotton. Oh, my goodness. Naturally sourced, of course. It is so soft. And just so comfortable. Nina: Come in. Well, hi! I’m sorry I’m late. I was invited by spinelli to have some drinks, and I ran into carly. Well, I can’t imagine how that went. Sonny, she really did it this time, didn’t she? What did she do? Hey! Hey. Kick off your shoes. The water’s fine. What’s wrong? I did something, and… you’re not gonna like it.
On the next “General Hospital” —
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